Solstice

As the days return to gradually getting longer, I think about the sun. This bright hot thing in the sky that sustains life on this planet. As an object of worship, it doesn't get much better than this. Big, bright, powerful, warm, almost too warm sometimes. It's heat can give life, but can also kill. Without it's light, we cannot survive.


I'm one of these people who get the winter blahs. I could take the cold and snow, if it weren't for the darkness. By the time I get to work lately, it is already dark. I have always hated a dark suppertime. So we light lights, we make our homes cozy. We feast and make merry.


I can totally understand why the sun was/is worshipped.

Birthday Oz

My first born and I share a birthday. In fact, she came about a week early in order to do so. On that day last week, she was looking at the internets for famous people who share December 3 as well. She mentioned that Ozzy Osbourne was one.



Why am I just now hearing about this?


So I looked it up myself and the site mentioned that he was married to a Libra (Sharon) as am I. I found that interesting, but didn't look at Sharon's birthdate until the next night while telling my hubby about it.


I whipped out my phone and wikipedia'ed her and guess what?






She and my husband share a birthday.




Weird:)




One of my favorites:

The whole album is superb.

54

Two Saturdays ago, my station included table number 54. On one of the rounds, the guest's bill came to $54.54. I thought that was pretty cool and showed Jennifer, one of my section buddies. 

This past Saturday (one week later), I got the same section, and was taken back when once again table 54's check came to $54.54. I showed Jennifer to make sure that this really happened twice and she remembered it from the previous time as well. 

Weird.

I remember last year seeing 11:11 or 1:11 on the clock all the time. I read somewhere that that is supposed to mean something, but was I just LOOKING at the clock at those times, or just noticing them above the other many times I looked? 

A couple of months ago, in one week my change at the grocery store was $6.66 and the change I gave out to a table at the restaurant was also $6.66. I wouldn't have thought much about the two, but they occurred within a few days of each other.

It was a little creepy.

Numbers are fascinating. Three of my six children were born on some family member's birthday, my first being born on mine. The first three were born on "First Friday", which had a significant meaning to me at the time. 

Just some numbery thoughts:)

Don't Take it so Seriously

I guess as I'm getting older, it's becoming more easy to not get so upset about the small stuff. That's a nice perk of having been there done that a time or two, knowing that very few things are the end of the world.




For example....


I was at the Dollar General last week with my daughter and in walking by the hair aisle, got the urge to do something "different" with my hair. I am usually miss natural natural when it comes to hair care. I still do the noo poo thing since starting it five years ago. It has saved my scalp, but I won't get into that now.


Anyway, I got the bright idea to do my own highlights. I have pretty dark blond/lightish brown hair and it was in no way color treated and hasn't been since the last time I pulled this about 12 years ago when I went through my mom haircut and dye phase. What I ended up with this time (as well as last-how soon we forget) was anything but natural looking yellowish mess. It's not as bad as it could be, but I'm not happy. Instead of trying to correct it now, I'm going to just let it grow out and deal with the consequences. I wear my hair pretty long, too, so this will be an ongoing problem for quite some time to come, I guess.

It's not THAT bad and I guess maybe once the dust settles I may try a semi-permanent color to go back or get some lowlights done, or something, but I think the experimentation is out of my system for now:)

nope

I have to laugh at myself because even while applying the horrific smelling chemicals my sane side was saying "this is a bad idea."


I'm going to try to "tone" it using some pretty harmless techniques I've been researching. We'll see how that goes.

Worship

I walk up to the table on Sunday afternoon and start my greet...

"We're ready to order now, we've got to get back to worship at 4:00."



I don't enjoy being so abruptly cut off and it really irritates me when a table won't let me at least get through the pleasantries, but I decided to work with it. We were not busy and I knew that if I could get these guests in and out, it would probably be a decent tip. They ordered quickly and without a billion modifications, so it was no biggie. They were nicely dressed, nice looking people.  I suspect there was a pastor in the group.


Worship...


I knew what they meant worship service and the "getting back to" part must have meant the second part of Sunday.  I never much enjoyed "church" as far as the service part went. I enjoyed the bible study so much more. Getting into the word and understanding and interpreting and applying was very intellectually stimulating and something I could have done all day Sunday (or any day really). But, I always felt that worship was a personal, private thing that one could do at any time at any place. The times I felt the closest to God in my life were not at all in a church setting and I often found it to be a great hindrance to my own understanding and relationship.  I was also very confused by the sacraments (or ordinances if you please) especially the two biggies, baptisim and communion. No one could agree on the what, when, where, why, how of them and that was very troubling to me . Over the years during my research, I became enamored with the Quakers and Salvation Army who didn't bother with them. It was the inward unseen sacraments that counted only.




Anyway,  I got my guests out of there in plenty of time and the tip was good.

The Number of the Monster

She's pretty good. Too bad that the drink the devil is using is so completely non monsterous. (Caffiene does absoluely nothing for me, it's sad really.)

Maltheism

I was talking to someone recently who believes that God does indeed exist (Yahweh), and that the bible is his book, but that god is exactly as he seems.


Contradictory
Capricious
Angry
Merciful (at times, to whomever he pleases)
Vengeful
Jealous
etc



One can argue that the New Testament did away with the seemingly wrathful deity of the OT, but Jesus one-ups that with the threat of eternal punishment.


I know that many atheists appear to be angry, and I don't believe that it is that we are MAD at god, which is what so many claim, but just angry about pouring our whole heart, mind and soul into something that we found out later to not be true. For believing wholeheartedly in something with little to no evidence.  But maybe there are some out there that do think that there is a god and he is just not good.


What a horrific thought.


I guess I would have been closer to that thought in my Calvinstic days. What Calvinistic doctrine did do for me was to take those horrible and contradictory passages and not shy away from them, but use them to prove the doctrine of election and all the other things that go with sovereign grace theology. The "love" part was only if he chose you, he wouldn't torture you forever like everyone else.

I guess what attracted me most about Calvinsim was that I could take the whole bible, and not have to explain unpleasent things away. One preacher I used to listen to all the time after giving a somewhat sinners-in-the-hands-of-an-angry-god sermon said,

"That's the God you're dealing with."

And at the time I said "Amen!"

But could we really call this LOVE?

And then all the cognitive dissonance, not of textual contradictions, but of what love really means started.


I remember watching the movie and later reading the book 1984 as a teen and how profoundly it moved me at the time. Imagine living in a world where you were not safe even inside your own mind. Where you are told lies and given misinformation and you just have to keep on smiling and trying to convince yourself it is true, even if you don't really believe it, or even if it is horrible.


Killing everyone in a flood is not loving.
Killing the firstborn of Egypt is not loving.
Asking Abraham to kill his son to prove loyalty is not loving.
Eternal punishment after death is in no way loving.

There are kazillions of apologetic books and teachings and theories that try to tell us just the opposite.

I think this is where many of us unbelievers sound angry.



 (We've always been at war with Eastasia).




I asked this person why they still believed at all after explaining my disbelief and it came down to personal experiences. We all have them and it is impossible to tell someone theirs is not genuine and I had no desire to argue. Our own experiences are so very important to us.


For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man ?


For me, it was my experience that there is no proof for this god above any other, and for that I'm glad.

The First Annual World Apocalypse

The Walking Dead- Artificial Fear (Metal)

Happy Halloween!

The "E" Word

Over the past few months my hubby has lost around 30 pounds with this one very exciting and no fail trick:



He burnes more calories than he eats. 



Not that we've stopped eating or not eating what we want. In fact, we've found some very creative ways to turn our favorite foods into things that are better.




I say "we" because since seeing the results on him, I figured I had about 5-10 pounds I could lose as well. I've almost hit my goal, and may go a few pounds more, we'll see.





He's been riding a bike to burn and I've found that I have a wonderful built in cardio workout at my job. I figured I burn about 200ish calories an hour. We've been using the MyFitnessPal app to do the calculations and to our surprise, it is actually working.





But I hate the word "exercise." It evokes visuals of boring workout videos and such. BUT running around like a crazy person for 10 hours straight at work is fun (in a sick sort of way).


So eat better, move around, lose weight....who knew?

Bored

It gets kinda boring not arguing for or against anything anymore.



Peaceful, but boring.


I used to just love debating on the Christian message boards and in the comments sections of blogs. My theology is correct and I can prove it .....


Even now, that I have a rare couple of afternoons to myself, I feel the urge to start some stuff up somewhere, I guess I really like debating and defending my position on things.




I could easily do that here with you-know-what, but really I don't see the point of it. No one is going to change their minds and after all, I never set out to be a mind changer in this matter. I just wanted to tell what happened.


I don't need to be right anymore, I just need to be true to my own mind.

The Devil's Holiday

It's that time of year again.

I love the fall, at least the still warm and the leaves are still turning pretty colors part of early fall. It seems somehow magical.  I don't much like the rainy, drizzly, here comes winter part of late fall, but it's still early.


Hubby has always hated the fall. He says there is evil, death in the air. Everything is dying.


I guess I never really had thought of it that way. When we were kids, it was time for the school's fall festival, caramel apples, getting to wear our Halloween costumes to school, and lots and lots of candy.


My kiddos have always had a pretty lame Halloween, especially during the times when I was really uneasy about "celebrating" it or any other holiday for that matter (even Christmas- see: Saturnalia). The only safe one was Easter, but please don't call it that.


I have a new found apprecation for the holidays now (any and all) outside of religious trappings. Halloween, dying and death- but going out with a bang. Staving off evil spirits that would take our souls with costumes and scary pumpkins and such. I can totally see how we invented all this. The winter holidays, the lights and decorations, the hushness and solemnity of nature dormant for a time. And then spring! Resurrection- all is new again in the cycle of death and rebirth.



I still don't like the idea of the kids roaming the neighborhoods around here to trick or treat, although I'm no longer against it in theory- it's just not the best neighborhood. They always go to our immediate neighbor's house and the grandparents spoil them as well, so they aren't missing much. I'll probably buy some over-priced candy myself for them and we'll have our little thing.


I see all the churches 'round doing their non-Halloween version of Halloween, too. As long as there is candy, the kiddos won't care what you call it.

A Lovely Story

I noticed immediately that she was wearing a gold crucifix necklace. She was with what appeared to me to be her husband and daughter. She glowed when she spoke and her words and voice were sweet and kind. It appeared that her husband had had a stroke or some other kind of disability as she ordered for him. He also had the same glow, though.


The daughter was nice, too. They used lots of pleases and thank-yous.  But it was the glow that was the unmistakable- I've got the joy joy joy joy....



As I gathered their drinks and bread and salads I began to think about what the story of Jesus is, what it means to people. A perfect human/divine lays down life to win eternal life for all who love him. I remember when believing this made a huge difference in the way I saw the world and treated others. Even if it was all just a lovely story...



believing in Jesus really did change my life, even if now, I don't really believe he was ever real.







My sister and I were discussing a conversation she had with a co-worker about religion ("the gays") and all that. She (sis) is very liberal in her politics and being as we share a gay relative, this kind of thing does not set well with her. We talked about how faith can be a good thing if it helps someone through life. I guess I should have left it at that and I may have been the glowing lady with the crucifix.

The Pin

As I approached the two ladies sitting on one of the tables in my section I saw that one was wearing a pin just like this. I knew exactly what it was, but Googled it just to be sure.  I am also pretty sure they have both been here at the house to chat with me before.


 I feared that they would start in, since I know they are pretty aggresive in the missionary aspect of their faith, but they seemed complelty uninterested in working this particular evening. If they had, I would really have no idea what to say.


I've studied just about every aspect and nuance of pretty much every denomination of Christendom, including this one. There is nothing that they would be able to tell me about their organization that I don't already know (especially after being schooled about the dangerous heretics that they are after watching an especailly special episode of The Way of the Master.)


Thankfully, I didn't have to do or say anything.

Insanely Busy

I have so wanted to sit down and write, but the ideas have been few (at least not good) and man have I been busy.


Getting kids off and or running them to school
Teaching
Cleaning
Shopping
Homework
Figuring out something for supper
Work
Sleep
Repeat

Day after day.


The money has been much better lately as we are coming out of our slow season at the restaurant. I've had a very good couple of weeks and I could certainly get used to this.


Our washer decided to go nuts a couple of weeks back which led me to having to haul everything to the laundromat twice. Goodness! I think back to the days when I would have whipped out my homemade laundry detergent, filled up the tub and washed by hand, but that was another time indeed. Hubby was able to fix it after a few troubleshooting errors, we finally got to the problem.



I had a table last night where the mom and dad were wearing some kind of Bible quiz T-shirts. I wonder if I could still recount my vast knowledge of the good book? They tipped well, although were not especially friendly.


I went to my first parent teacher conferences ever last week. The kids are doing well and the teachers all were very nice. I felt a connection with my daughter's kindergarten teacher especially, probably about 10 years my senior, I suppose. She's been teaching a long time and it was a refreshing contrast to the nervous newness of the other two, who were both only a couple of years into this. I found out that she bartends on the weekends, so she's instantly my buddy by way of being in the biz :)

She had this hanging outside her classroom:

I love that.

Goodbye Bread

One of the most fun and proud accomplishments of mine over the last several years was my bread baking. I went from regular yeast and bread machine to eventually using a wild yeast (sourdough) starter and doing it all by hand. We even tried to grow our own wheat twice. The first year birds ate every last drop and the second, we found that it was going to be an amazingly stupid amount of hard work that in no way would pay off in any way, except for perhaps bragging rights. At that point, we were pretty much over it.


I have had my starter for five years, faithfully feeding it every three days to keep it active and fresh. It worked out just fine until I started to work and something had to give. I just don't have time anymore. I kept on feeding it for a few months, without ever baking with it, but I decided to just go ahead and throw it out.


I used to make bread three times a week and now it's over.



But I did what I set out to do with it. Another chapter ends. :)

The Other Side

Natalie was talking about one of her kids being sick the other night at work with me and Cameron the bartender.

"Alice, you have a bunch of kids, how many again?"

"Six."

"I would shoot myself in the head."

We all laughed because of the way she said it and I know she wouldn't, but I know what she meant.




It's a great deal different than the reaction in the Christian world where each child is a gift and in some circles, more is better. We weren't particurally religious when our first was born, but then became Catholics and the family planning aspect of our marriage was now none of our concern. Children are a blessing, God will make a way, and you best not fool with it.


I honestly don't know how it would have played out had we actually thought about what we were doing and what this was going to look like in the long run. We have been overwhelmingly lucky in the fact that all our kids are healthy and normal. There have been many along the way that have helped us and gifted us with money and resources, but there will be no way we can provide cars, college, or any other major things to them since there are so many. I feel very guilty sometimes about that.


On the other hand, I wouldn't want any of them to have not come into our lives, so we just do the best we can and know that they really do have it pretty good.



As the school year continues and I see how well they are adjusting, it is amazing to me how we ever did things any differently. It's as if we've really started a new life.

It is True

Breaking News!

The Renaissance

As much as my very uninterested third grader is not getting out of it, I am. The hybrid school that Danny is enrolled in has me doing all the history here at home during the first three days of the week. We are starting the year off briefly glimpsing the Middle (Dark) Ages in order to see the events that led up to the Renaissance.


We read about a very early humanist and the idea that there is something great in all of us and we can achieve good things.


I do believe hundreds of years from now our time will be known as a wonderful turning point as well in the evolution of mankind. We have just so much information and so many wonderful things that we can do. Who knows what's next? It's as if we are in the beginning stages of a Renaissance of our own.

The Creation of the Internet :P

Now it's just trying to find a way to get my little student intersted in the history course. 

Went to the Dentist Today...

It made me think of this:


http://theoatmeal.com/pl/my_daily_lie/floss.




It's true you know:)

Rising

I've been low lately. The self blame-game I've been playing about the change in gears here and what residual effects there may be has been heavy on me. I've been teary-eyed quite a bit again and have felt pretty powerless and hopeless a time or two.


As work begins to be more mundane since the newness has worn off, I find that I don't keep that positive outlook like I did at first. And I find that much of this sadness and negativity is getting to me in all kinds of ways.


We've had a round of sickness sweep through the realm here in the last two weeks and sometimes just being knocked off your feet with something is enough to make you stop and think. What is really important?


Happiness.


Peace.


Joy.


Love.


Focusing my efforts as I have over the last several months on the fallout of the deconversion is a bit energy draining. I understand that I will never divorce myself completly from the subject as it still holds a great interest to me, for reasons that I can't really articulate. It was such a huge part of me that I cannot imagine ever just forgetting that. But, I want to rise up to something better now, get back to more uplifting subject matter (at least on this blog:)) -Rants and occasionaly pity parties to be held elsewhere.


I want to be grateful, happy, and be a positive person. After all, I really don't have any problems compared to many people. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in the midst of our trials. I feel better already.

Rite of Passage

For the last several weeks, I've been getting terrible headaches at the end of the day- not every day, but almost. At first I figured it was sinus related, or whatever, but then I discovered that it didn't seem like I was seeing as well as I was before. Finally, the other day, I could barely see the text on my computer and it dawned on me.



I am 41, my arms are sometimes not long enough to read the itty bitty print on bottles and such.



I need glasses.



Since I knew I wouldn't be getting to the eye doctor right away, I wanted to get something so I could at least see better to read and I cannot believe what a difference it has made.

Buy one get one free at Walgreen's woo hoo!

My daughter said that those frames looked the best on me. I thought I looked like Tina Fey.


I showed my hubby, he said, "You look like Tina Fey."


:)


I think it's just the frame shape, but I'll take it as a compliment.


I can't get into the eye doctor for two weeks, so I hope this will hold me until then.

Very Early Thoughts on the School Year so Far

My oldest two are doing 100% online public school. They are both doing well, my son loves the structure it gives him (he's a workaholic) and my daughter (the opposite of the former) has been doing her best to self-motivate and get her stuff done. What has really been wonderful is that she had the opportuinity to take Japanese this fall and she is loving it. She's already a huge fan of all things Japan, so I think this is going to be super fun for her even if is IS just for fun in the long run. They are in the 8th and 9th grades.

Hatsune Miku (and a Creeper)

My fourth born is in the hybrid program, where he schools here three days a week and then goes to a learning center two days. It has been great for easing him into being away from me. He is super clingy and the independence from me is much needed. He was the only one that I cried about leaving that first day, but his school is very small, laid back, and the kids seem to have all come from homeschool situations, so he is very much with his own kind. The only drawbacks I see so far in this is that there is no transportation provided, so one would have to be in a postition to do that and that I have to be pretty involved in teaching him the three days he is here, but so far I have enjoyed it. All the materials are provided and there is a lot of support available from his teacher and other parents. He is in the third grade.



The other three (grades 4, 1, and K) are attending the brick and mortar Marion County public school. Little Miss and Mr. have been doing well and enjoy their day, but they are really starting from scratch. My older boy is having some difficulty academically as well as some trouble with mean kids.  We've had to tell him that he's going to have to stand up for himself. I worry that the situation with the kids will hinder his progress in learning and make him dread school. I do not want that. I plan to monitor the situation closely and after parent-teacher confrences in a few weeks, have a better idea of what is really going on.


This year is highly experimental and things are always open to change. So far I have been more impressed with the hybrid than anything else, but time will tell.

Advice?

Okay, so things are going very well at work and I am having a good time with most all but one of my co-workers.

For some reason that I honestly don't know, this guy does not like me and is condescending, mean, and snippy every time I have to deal with him. He is a kitchen guy, so we aren't doing the same things, but I do have to try to communicate with him every time I work.

And it IS just me, I've seen how he acts around the other employees, and he is genunienly friendly to them, but just obviously cannot stand me. 

What do I do?

Part of me figures, who cares? Not everyone is going to like me. But, I know he's been there for like ever and isn't going anywhere and neither am I . It would certainly make my life easier if I could do something to make this better. 

Also, English is not his first language, so I don't feel like I can effectively "talk" to him about the situation. 

Any ideas?

Friday Funny

Judgmental Maps

I happened upon this site today. There is one of Indy, but the part where we live is covered by the downtown inset.


I'd like to have a crack at this myself. I think there are a few things to add, but it's pretty funny.

I really like "Miserable suburbs built on cornfields."

source

The Bus and Bread

I didn't really want my kids to have to ride the bus. We live just about a mile from the school and I figured it would be easier on everyone if I just took them. I did find that due to the fact that I can't be in two places 8 miles apart at once, this would not be an option. So yesterday morning I witnessed something that I truly thought I never would. I watched three of my kids get onto a pubilc school bus.


It was surreal, empowering, bittersweet. I know that this is completely normal, but it wasn't going to be us. We had a mission, a calling, a duty to do things differently. Well, stuff happens and we find out that we are like everyone else. It's okay, just not what we spent the last several years doing with our lives. I was glad when they got home running up the driveway and smiling from ear to ear. They really are loving it so far and I hope they will continue to. The older two are a bit behind academically (remember- we weren't all supposed to be here much longer- the End and all), but they are making friends and are bringing home very good conduct reports each night.

We have been in the slow season at work for the last few weeks. I guess there usually is a lull during summer when people are doing outdoor things. This last weekend was especially bad and by Sunday night I had pretty much lost my faith in humanity. We ran out of the complimentary bread that we give out and since that is clearly my fault, the tips on the very few tables I did have suffered. Last night was much better and like things always do, they even out. Still not a good money night, but at least no one was verbally abusive or completely mean to me-all that went down last week. So I had a two-top that I really didn't expect a good tip out of, but I put on my happy face and tried to enjoy the art of serving. To my surprise the tip was fair and as they left one stopped to tell me I was a very good waitress. I really needed to hear that.


Speaking of bread, I think I may be ready to let my sourdough starter go. I haven't baked any bread for several weeks and it gets old having to feed it every third day. Plus, the hubby and I are trying to cut calories and fresh homemade bread and butter every day surely is not a good idea. Maybe it's time to hang up the baking hat for awhile.

It's Happening

So this was the first week of public school for three of my six. All in all I don't think it could have gone any better. Everyone seems to be having a good time and making friends and no one is begging me not to go (yet). Of course it is the first week, so there hasn't been much in the way of homework, so it will be interesting to see how much or little they end up with when it really gets going.



I have another starting a hybrid school next week and I will be glad. He is so bored right now so we've been trying to keep busy running errands and such. The older two will be doing online only classes in a couple of weeks, but I need to find some activities for them. All this with me working five nights a week or so has kept me pretty busy.

My comic relief artist at it again...on my paper plates.

 I feel like I'm just running on part terrorized adrenaline mixed with pure determination with a large helping of regret and guilt and a pinch of cautious optimism and a garnish of hope. I have no way of knowing how all this will turn out, but I am feeling much better now that it has not yet been a huge disaster. I think of last year at this time, when none of this was even on the radar. I had just lost my faith and step by step, I've had to rethink everything and schooling was a huge part of that. I can't believe how many things have changed.


So us homebodies are off to market, to spend my woman-earned money on household supplies.




And here's some awesome video game metal.

Have a great weekend!!

Illustrations

My daughter likes to draw pictures of the things that go on around here sometimes. We have a huge chalkboard up in our dining room for when I was schooling the kids. It still gets used a lot so I'll probably leave it up.



A thing I do when one particularly persistent child of mine won't stop asking me about something over and over and over again is to make completely empty and ridiculous threats. (These are always said in a manner that there is no way he takes them seriously).



So the other day he was on me about something and I told him if he didn't stop asking, I was going to take all his stuff and put it in the field. (There's a corn field next to our house).

She really does have a dark sense of humor. 

Then later that week, I ran across this comedy bit along the same lines. The relevant part is from 1:00-2:11.

Have a great weekend!

Checking In

Seriously. 

It's also been very very busy around here. I'm actually working more than we initially wanted me to, but the money has been so helpful that I decided that it was worth it to pick up an extra day, especially with all the back to school expense. I really had no idea how much it would cost and I'm very glad that I had plenty saved up. There are a couple more things I need to get still, but we are pretty well set. 

Three will be going to the public school school, two will be doing online school and one a part time home and part time there thing. I got his books in the mail Monday and looking through them, it seems that I will need to be more hands on than I thought. It makes me a bit nervous, but it all makes me a bit nervous.  

The three public schoolers start on Monday and the others a couple of weeks from now.I honestly don't know what is going to happen with school. I don't know if it will be successful, or a huge mistake, but here we go. 

God is Love

I was at the school today finalizing registration for the three that are going to be attending in a couple of weeks. To my great relief, it went really well and the principal and nurse remembered us from the Kindergarten round up last winter and were really nice.



Another parent was wearing a T shirt similar to this one I found on the web:

It reminded me of this:

Quite a message.

Good news.

Sunshine

(Warning: some language at the very end- not in the main video itself).

Finite Atticus's deconversion series is also very interesting. Completely NSFW or children, but check it out, too.

Lying

Why is it that lying just comes so naturally to little ones? Before, I saw it as clear and concrete evidence of the totally depravity that I believed was inherent in the human race. But if that is the case, why are most little kids so loving and compassionate when it comes to other things like animals, friends, siblings, parents.


Case in point: my five year old spent a couple of nights with her grandmother and her cousin who is two years her junior. The reason for this sleepover was that my sister was in the hospital having a baby. My mom told me how my daughter acted as a big sister to her cousin, helped her to the bathroom at night, and comforted her when she got homesick. It must have been very cute.

However, she's taking to lying lately.


We've had two occasions of it in the last month and both times the lying seemed to serve as a self-preservation mechanism. A broken doll and a broken razor were found, I knew darn well she was the offender and she denied it completely.


After telling her I knew she did it and asking her why she lied about it, she said she lied because she was scared. I sat her down and explained that lying was way worse than breaking something in terms of getting in trouble. I told her that she's allowed to make mistakes, but not allowed to lie and that big girls take responsibility for their actions. After the second talk I told her I expected this from now on.


Her big sister also told her that things can be replaced, but if you lie all the time no one will believe anything you say.




We'll see how it goes next time.

A Lunch Conversation

"You should never break the portal when you're in the Nether. That's a horrible, horrible idea."

(Sage Minecraftian wisdom passed down from the elder child to her young brother.)

Circle

Last summer I was conversing with my sister one glorious afternoon as our little girls played nearby.


At that time it was almost impossible to talk about any of this to anyone without coming unglued, but I know my sister is totally non judgmental and I needed to tell someone.



I had still not come right out and said I don't believe it to anyone, but I came as close as I had thus far that day.



My sister believes in God or the idea of a higher power, but certainly not the narrowness of Bible God. She never tried to convert anyone either, something I always did. Because of course, I knew the TRUTH.



She would often say in these attempts of mine that no one knows what happens after you die.

Well of course we do, it's in the Bible.

She would humbly suggest that maybe God wasn't angry at the gays.

Again, Bible, duh. 




So that afternoon when I suggested that what could be known of God and what was in the Bible was just circular logic, the look on her face was pretty much, finally.



She had never been one to have her mind bound by anyone or anything, so she couldn't understand the way I could believe without question the Bible's (and Christianity's) corner on the truth. And I could never understand why she would want to risk eternal peace and happiness by not converting to the One True Faith.


And that day I broke out of that circle out loud.

A Life's Work

I was going through the closet where I keep my home-school materials today while getting a bunch of them ready to ship. I also found a pile of Bible study materials that I once cherished and now just don't know what to do with.



It's a huge pile, too- like a good 4 inches thick. I thought about throwing them out, since the presence of them brings back the guilt and shame of just ducking out of things like I did regarding our old fellowship. But on the other hand, I once so admired this man's teachings and true love for what was true. He is someone that I very much felt a strange bond with even though we had never really spoken. I guess it was because  I had a bit of a "theological crush" on him (or more specifically the teachings). He was very dispensational and I think a bit of a closet Calvinist.


So for now there they sit. A huge pile of this man's life's work in searching out the mind of God.

Anniversary of Sorts

It's been as of the solstice one year since hubby and I had a date at the restaurant where I spend much of my time working now. If I had known then what the weeks and months after that date would hold in terms of the final loss of faith, doing a 180 on the schooling with the kids, catching up vaccines and doctors appointments, me getting a job?!


It all seemed so overwhelming at the time, but step by step I'm getting things done.


It's good.


On another note, I just joined Instagram, so check it out if you please and if any of you are on there, let me know so I can follow you.





Have a great weekend!

An Involuntary Testimony

I was watching this deconversion series for the second time yesterday and the last part especially spoke to the things I can't always articulate.

At about 5 minutes in:

Christians can acknowledge many ways a person can become an ex-Christian except for one: except for the most genuine: a broken Christ-follower who tries desperately to not become an atheist but is finally forced to accept that the message of Christianity, that Christ died for your sins, that you are defective by your nature, corrupt and lost without God, is not true.

And if that happened to you, would it be your fault, or would that make your life an involuntary testimony of the poverty of Christianity?

I had written a post a few years back titled "Broken". I thought about re-posting it, but it was just basically me struggling with my sins and unworthiness. I remember that day clearly sitting at the old family computer in the morning, my soul writhing with anguish that I would ever be good enough. That my sins were too great, that I hadn't followed closely enough, or loved enough, or been obedient enough.  (I know, it's not about me, but what He did for me) but I have to tell you that was never very much comfort.



It didn't make sense.



And now looking through the archives of the old blog this morning, I can see how the whole thing was a deconversion of sorts, an unintentional one. Since the first day I started to blog, I guess I was trying to make my case for God, for Christ, why it all was true- letting my little light shine.


I dug, I prayed, I read and studied. I asked the hard questions. I know others come to different conclusions.

At the Park 2

"Are all these your kids?"

She was about 15 years my senior I suppose, watching her twin grandchildren play on this very hot afternoon. The water part of the park was swarming with kids of all colors, shapes, and sizes. My oldest daughter, who had brought a bucket to pour water on people was drawing quite the crowd as the other 5 hassled me on the bench I was sitting on to get into the car for the drinking water we had brought.

"Yes they are," I said.

"Six?" 

I nodded.

"You're too young to have six kids," she said, "Did you birth them all?"

"Yep."

Of course I am way old enough to have six kids, by at least ten years. People often tell me I don't look my age (41) which of course makes me feel good.



We small talked about kids and grandkids, parks that were farther from home but maybe nicer, and then she said:

"Our church has a wonderful youth program that meets on Wednesday nights, and Sunday School of course. It's the big church on 30th and Post." 

I know exactly what church that is, I drive by it to and from work. It is huge and as I recall the local station used to broadcast their services. My husband went there once and recalls that the preacher's sermon that Sunday was a litany of things he hated, one being Marlboro Country.  Since we were both smokers at the time and this was our brand of choice, he didn't much care for that.  He often wonders why the preacher dwelt on the things he hated and not on Christ, but I digress.


I kind of froze. Is she inviting us to church? The horror. What am I going to say?

Thankfully, I didn't really respond at all, changed the subject and she let it drop.


As she left, she said it was nice chatting with me and maybe we'd see each other again.

At the Park

We've been spending many of our afternoons at this park very near our home lately. They have a big sprinkler area and it gives the kids something to do that is cool, wet, and free. One day last week, it was particularly busy and as I was getting ready to sit on the grass, a lady offered to share her bench with me.


I noticed a couple of small children next to her and as I sat down she asked,

"How many do you have?"

Ah, she must have noticed them all piling out of the van.

"Six," I said, "but one is at her grandmother's today."

As we continued to chat, I found that she had four all under the age of 5 (been there done that) and they were open to many more. That was me at one time, too. She shared that she would begin to homeschool her oldest in the fall and I told her that I was just finishing up homeschooling. She mentioned that they wanted to be in charge of the curriculum and make it "religious" if they wanted to. I declined to comment on that part, but did praise the flexibility of schooling your own children.


She asked if I enjoyed doing it and I said yes, but it is now time to do something else. She didn't pry and I didn't offer, just that high school was getting to be too much for me and the kids needed more social interaction. She mentioned church once or twice, but I never said anything about it.


As she left, she introduced herself and said that they come there quite a bit too. If we do end up meeting up again, I wonder how the conversations will go. Will there be the question about church, God, and whatnot?

Perhaps, though, I won't ever see her again, but I hope so. She was a nice lady and instead of me making my grocery list that afternoon as I had planned to, I got to meet another mom. Like me, she is trying to do what she thinks best for her children.

Almost Summer

Hubby and I think it would be a good idea to celebrate the solstice.



It's too late this year, but maybe next, we'll have a bash.



Amazingly, I have in the short time I had accomplished most of the goals I needed in order to get the kiddos in school. I need to sell any homeschool stuff of value on eBay, I just don't feel like doing it right now.



The older boys have been fighting the summer blahs by learning to play guitar. My oldest has one of his dad's and the younger bought his own. I was amazed the other day when hearing them trying to learn from one of my favorite youtubers and this song he is playing below:

At this point, they are just playing acoustic, but I'm impressed that they are picking up an instrument.

One of my little men

Have a great weekend!

Scrupulosity

Back when I was a practicing Catholic, this would pretty much describe me:


Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. (wikipedia)



I remember once reading that even that it (scrupulosity) is a sin because in a way I was believing that God wasn't merciful enough to forgive me.


Yeah- I did that a lot.


I wonder if it is just something in my psyche that made me prone to such super-guilty thinking. But it was real- the guilt. I do not miss that at all.


Now that I'm out of the Christian mindset, I can see my sins or mistakes in a much more realistic light. Sure, I've done bad things (nothing I would be in prison for or anything) but in terms of "sins", there have been many.



But being overly concerned with one's unworthiness is also touted as a virtue in some circles. While reading one book about a Catholic mystic way back when, she would go without eating for days because she remembered being so greedy for fruit as a child and wanted to make up for that. Actually in hindsight, she did a lot of very weird things that would probably have her institutionalized if she were living in modern times.

                                   

                                                   




When you tell a small child over and over (even in a nice way) that they are unworthy and are going to Hell without Jesus, I wonder how that child can ever be able to relax without constantly being on guard even within his or her own mind. Thankfully, I wasn't raised this way, so I can perhaps leave it behind easier than one who was. Sure, I had a conscience growing up, but never the idea that the things that made me feel bad were going to send me to Hell. I just didn't do them anymore.



Question for the deconverted out there:

Did you find that you were lost and without morals after faith, or did you find that your morals were much the same?  Do you have more or less peace of mind?

A New Life

My sister had a baby boy yesterday. Being as she doesn't live close by, I had to check in with my mom via texts all afternoon. Pacing about the house as I felt my updates weren't coming through quickly enough, I just wanted her and the baby to be okay. It's really hard waiting for someone you love to have a baby and this (her third) was no exception.


Mom and baby are well.


I remember the first and the second, too. Hoping and praying that they and she would come through it all okay. I know bad things happen.


I think back to my last child and the decision to have her at home. How crazy it must have seemed to those who knew that I had hemorrhaged pretty badly with the previous home-birth.  What was I thinking?


I bled very badly with her, too, and almost ended up in the hospital anyway. She was fine, but I had lost more blood than the midwives would have liked. They told me if I couldn't get up and walk on my own, we would have to go and by sheer will, walk I did. I was not going to the hospital. I don't know what I was afraid of, but I was. It took me two weeks to recover from that and I remember after my fourth baby (a hospital birth) getting up and walking around an hour later as if nothing had happened.


Medical advancements ain't so bad.



I'm thankful that my sister is in a good hospital with good care. And I can't wait to hold my new nephew.

A Moment of Clarity at the Dish Pit

Yesterday was pretty busy being Father's Day and all. It actually turned out to be the second biggest money making day I've had so far, but it wasn't easy.


At one point two or three of us servers were clearing our trays at the dish counter and it was in the midst of that chaos that I realized that I was alive. My elbows were hurting from lifting way too heavy trays all day. There was barely any time to get a drink of water, one table had just stiffed me, another's food was taking forever and I was beginning to wish the night would end very soon. But then, it hit me:



In this vast universe, here I am, alive, conscious, healthy, happy. In all the places I could have been born, in all the many situations, this is me and I'm glad. For a few seconds, I felt completely at awe with everyone and everything.



It was pretty cool:)

Friday the 13th and Norse Mythology

I was catching up with my feeds in Feedly this morning and I decided to stop and watch the latest Good Mythical Morning episode.




I found something really interesting starting at 3:38:

I did a little looking around and apparently that's where our mistletoe at Christmas time tradition comes from. It would be interesting in researching all the similarities of the Jesus story with various mythologies (not in a Zeitgeist-y way).


I thought it was interesting that the god of light, joy and reconciliation was the one killed.


It does have an awful familiar ring to it.


So go look it up if you are interested.

Look Up

And move ahead...



I was wandering around the net a couple of days ago and wondered what may be going on on a website that I used to visit multiple times daily. It was a blog about End Times things and then branched out into a podcast.





I distinctly remember one very hot summer day a couple of years back on the way to my sister's house for a day at the beach. I was listening to this podcast and the host was connecting the dots to the pope (the last one) and the coming of the end...any...second.




It was always very energizing and thrilling to listen to the signs of the times types of shows and even more so when the host could make a strong case that prophecy was being fulfilled in real time before our very eyes. We were in on the big secret hidden in plain sight in the pages of Holy Scripture, the Master Plan. We knew things that other people did not know. We were discerning. We were God's children. We were redeemed and the rest of the world was lost and on that broad path to destruction.  As tragic as I felt that (the lost people thing) was, the fact that my ultimate purpose in life was to be on this path to Heaven was intoxicating. At least on that particular bright and sunny summer day.

A few days later, I revisited that particular episode of the podcast and realized that like so many other times, the "prophecy" didn't happen.

This would be the last full summer of my Christianity.





Anyway, I found that the blog and podcast were gone and did a little digging to see where they went. The host has moved on from "the sky is falling" preaching to a conservative Lutheran theology. It rather pleased me to see that at least he saw that something was wrong, too. And although I certainly don't join him in his Lutheranism, it is nice to see people changing it up when one thing just does not work.

Is it Me?

I wonder what is so wrong, so taboo, so scandalous as sincerely going where the evidence leads.


I find that in this phase of my deconverted life, I am tired of being on the defensive.



If the facts for Christianity (or any religion) held up to honest scrutiny, then that's where I'd be. It seems that only in dismissing, twisting, or just plain ignoring the actual facts of the world we live in and are learning so much about that I could have remained.



And I guess I could have chosen that route.


But again, I only wanted truth.



Not at first, though.


At first I was afraid to die.

And later it was the fear of Hell (brought on only by belief in the first place).

Then it was fear of others going to Hell, since I was A okay.

Then after I lost hell, it was death again.

And then I just wanted to stop trying to believe something that I couldn't believe with an honest mind.




And I don't feel like I should be apologetic about that anymore.

Pushy Waiter

Whew,


Just got home from a very brutal shift. Everyone is in bed, but I'm still pretty wound up.


My daughter loves these guys.

I'm not this pushy at all, but this cracks me up.

Inspiration for your Day

source

A Brief Discussion on Morality

I came across this yesterday.


The caller poses the question of how an atheist can be moral. I think the host handles it well.

What I found to be a big benefit of having my own mind back was the realization that I didn't have to worry about someone constantly monitoring my thoughts. What goes on in my head stays there.


As far as morality. I pretty much am the same person, except now I can love others and myself without the confines of what God says is acceptable.


Do we really need a moral declaration from on high to tell us what is right and wrong? I really don't think so.

Where is your Destination?

Last week I made an impromptu stop at Kroger after my son's orthodontist appointment to pick up a couple of things. While in the bread department, my son said:

"A semi truck."


I looked down to what he was talking about and knew right away that it was a gospel tract of some sort conspicuously placed on the bun table display.

I've seen enough of these to know what was on the inside without opening it, but I wanted to take a picture of it as I reminisced about my gospel tract days. As I got my phone out, I saw I had a missed call and a text. My husband was out on a bike ride and had gotten a flat tire and needed us to pick him up. If I hadn't seen that tract, I wouldn't have gotten my phone out for the photo op...hmmmm?








My first real experience with receiving gospel tracts was when back in my early twenties I waited tables full time. It was during one of these tract receiving experiences that I was confronted with the idea of hell by the well-meaning giver. It was one of those if you got hit by a car and died today where would you spend eternity speeches. At first I wanted to tell him what to do with his ideas and his tract, but being that it would be detrimental to my tip and maybe my job to be so upfront, I remember politely telling him that I would think about it and making my exit from the table.


Later when we moved into our house, I remember finding a Chick tract in one of the old drawers. It had something to do with Catholics going to hell.


I did eventually became the giver of tracts myself though. Now, I never confronted anyone outright like the guy at the table did me, but did more of the leaving them where people could find them thing. I had imagined that's how God would have wanted me to evangelize. Plant the seeds, He would do the rest. (This was not because I was scared to death to actually talk to people about the "good news" mind you.)


I left them on shelves at the Dollar General, placed them inside cases of soda and beer at the grocery and left them in bathroom stalls. I stuck them inside books at the store and in between the magazines at the checkout. I stashed them on the table at the post office and in the pockets of clothes that I donated to Goodwill. Once, I bought a book of stamps and anonymously mailed out a book's worth to random addresses that I picked from the phone book. All of this I believed was being guided by the Holy Spirit. I certainly didn't want anyone going to hell, but what could little old me do? I thought this was it.


I honestly don't know if anyone anywhere read or took any of them seriously. But that was what I convinced myself God wanted rather than actually telling people that they were going to hell myself.



So what about you? Any experiences with gospel tracts as givers or receivers?







As a side note, that first man way back when I don't remember tipping too well. I did get my first tract of this job a few weeks ago, stuck in the check presenter with my tip. They were a nice table, a bit demanding, but good tippers. The tract is in my keepsake box for now:)

I Love Metal

...and video games.


This guy is very talented. Check it out.

Happy Weekend!!

I Wish I Could Write

I just don't have anything and I miss it. So I'll quickly write about not having anything to write about. I've been reading a bunch, though. I visit and read blogs daily and have found a few very funny waiter/waitress blogs that have kept me giggling. It's fun just to read for FUN, you know?


I certainly don't have the energy or time to research out counter apologetic matters right now, but will try to point out good resources when I find them. The sadness, depression, anger, shock of the loss of my faith have for now settled into a comfortable acceptance. I truly am happy.


I have hung up my teaching hat and the kids are excited about the changes coming this fall. Work is going well and I feel good to be able to contribute financially to the family. It was a long time coming.


The weather is beautiful and I'm going to do some spring cleaning this afternoon.



Anyway, I guess I've got my typing fix in now. I hope to be back soon with something of substance. 

Those 70 Weeks

When I first became a believer, I was quite fond of watching Jack Van Impe presents. It was on on Sunday nights and I remember trying to make it home from work on time to see it (these were pre DVR and internet days). He was so excited and had all these verses memorized. Each week he assured us that we would be raptured any second. Well, after a few years of this, and no end of the world it got old. We joined the Church and all this was put on the back burner. Babies started coming every couple of years and this kind of thing wasn't as important at the time.




After we left the Catholic church, I felt the freedom to switch on TBN and the local Christian station again. As members of the Universal Church, we were discouraged from ingesting information from our apostate friends in the ecclesiastical communities in which they were involved, but now we were free to see what the rest of Christendom had to say about things. What I found were the most frequent types of programming were the Charismatic healing and prophecy.  Prophecy fascinated me. We were really in the last of the last days and Jesus was coming back very very soon. I was so glad that God had chosen to wake us up and lead us into the True Faith so we wouldn't be found sleeping when He returned.



I learned that the book of Daniel was a BIG DEAL. I never knew that before. Lots and lots of shows devoted time to interpreting it and as I made my way onto the internet, my study into this book deepened. It is claimed that Daniel predicts to the very day when Jesus is crucified, proving that Jesus is the Messiah and the book of Daniel is inspired. I took this for granted all these years and when my own calculations (non theologically trained though they were) came up short, I just pushed it to the back of my mind.


So, when I began to lose my faith, it concerned me that Daniel had predicted all these things in such minute detail. Then I found this series of blog posts looking at Daniel skeptically. In all the years I studied it, I never went to see what other views were out there.


From the introduction to the series:



Most mainstream biblical scholars who have looked at Daniel dispassionately have concluded that the bible-believer’s dating of the book is indeed flawed. They cite overwhelming evidence that Daniel was not written until 167 BCE during the Maccabean Period, or about 400 years after the fundamentalist’s claim. Furthermore, once Daniel is put into its proper historical context, the prophecies that seem to predict the events mentioned above, really concern local events of the time. (emphasis mine)




It is even in the introduction in the New American Bible (Catholic edition) that the book was written during that time and that Daniel is not the author.


I highly suggest reading the series on Daniel above and doing your own homework, but for me, it is enough to shed doubt on the 70 weeks prophecy.