Hello World 2019

I've had the flu since Christmas Day. This has without question been 2 of the worst, challenging, depressing, and painful weeks that I can ever remember. I had all these wonderful plans for Christmas Day: video games, board games, pizza, eating, drinking, merriment. Instead, I spent the next several days bedridden and missing work, fun, life, everything.

So, as I try to make it back into the land of the living, I just wanted to show off the fam. This was taken by my sister in law on the week before Christmas at my in-laws. 

Back row: Dan 13, Nick 17, Tim 15, Me (ageless), Rachel, 19
Front Row: Steve, 11, Joe (ageless, but younger), Leah 10







And here we have Rachel and her boyfriend, Nick.




And now it's time to try to get back to life....


Happy New Year!!

Loving People Where They Are

Lately I am reflecting on my morals, my philosophy, what kind of person I strive to be. Since l don't have a otherworldly motive to "be good" some would suppose I would descend into the gaping maw of hellish sinfulness.  I've found quite the opposite to be true, though.

I feel like I'm pretty much the same person as I was, as I always was. 


Things are okay right now. I say okay because they are not bad, but they are not great. I guess everyone could say the same. I'm not talking about things in the political or news world (don't really care about any of that) but in my own corner of the world. Some days I feel like I have it all and others I am quite discouraged and depressed. The reasons for such discouragement are many, deep and not easily identified. Things aren't always what they seem and certainly not always what one hoped they would be.


In all that, I'm trying, as a personal challenge, to just love people in my life they way they are without expectation or motive. I'm trying to banish all gossip and negative talk. I'm trying to look at where I may be hypocritical, mean, selfish, or unloving , and stopping that, and also forgiving and loving myself.


I've begun a much gentler parenting style in the last few years and find that it has made me a different person in a good way. I look at them not as sinners who need to be saved, but as little people who need a role model, a friend, a guide.  I don't yell nearly as much, I don't sweat the small stuff. It's been a great letting go of power. They are all flourishing and discovering their own passions and talents and it is a great thing to see. Recently, my 12 year old expressed and interest in boxing. We found a place for lessons and this has become a very interesting new experience. My oldest son is now working for the computer repair place that he interned at a couple of years ago. He has a pretty large amount of responsibility and I'm proud of how he is handling himself.  My 14 year old loves all things outdoors and survival. He bird watches, looks at the sky with his telescope, takes care of the fish, and loves WoW. My 10 year old is building stuff all day long with scrap wood and dismantling and rebuilding. My 9 year old daughter is drawing, just like her big sis, and loves to play and pretend. She has such a good sense of humor.  My first born has flown the nest. It came kind of out of the blue, but not as a huge surprise. My husband and I handled it with grace, knowing that fighting against it would do no good. She's happy, she's safe. Her boyfriend is a great guy, has a job and works on cars on the side. They are young and in love. Weren't we all at some time?

That's where I am as of now. Loving life and yet not.


And I am the one who hated paradoxes.

The Good God

I went to a funeral recently a great uncle on my mother's side. Bob was a great guy, I saw him once every year or so at family things. He and his wife always sent us a Christmas card. All memories I have of him are good.


What I didn't know was that Bob was a believer. Apparently quite a real church-goer. The service was pretty long and there was a lot of Jesus.


If I had still been a believer, I would have really enjoyed the message. It was one of all hope, no hellfire and brimstone, nor do I remember much proselytizing. This was a God of hope, love, peace.



Now, we all know that that God is only in some of the Bible, but if one didn't know better, it sounds pretty sweet.

Cookie Grandpa

The kids called him that.



My mom brought cookies on one of her visits during the years that I was practically a baby factory. She would come when the littles were little and help me out with whatever she could. Keeping the ones with teeth happy with cookies was one thing she did and did well. It became a tradition and she became known as Cookie Grandma.


He and I had had our own troubled history. Mom and he started dating not long after my parent's divorce and I couldn't stand him- not him, the situation. I was sixteen and knew everything. I caused my mother a lot of grief during those years and Norm was there to see all my teen bitchiness glory. I actually decided to go and live with my dad for the rest of my high school years and even refused to attend their wedding. It is something that I regret very much. When I finally moved out and got a taste of the real world, I came to their home one night and apologized.  He never said anything about it or judged me. He was always there.




I remember the first year I labeled Norm's Christmas present "Cookie Grandpa" instead of just Norm. He had become their grandpa, not a step-grandpa, but just as much a grandfather as flesh and blood.



One Halloween several years ago, Mom and Norm had us over for a fall gathering. Before we left, he presented each of the six of ours with plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat buckets filled with all kinds of goodies. It meant so much to me, since at the time, this kind of thing was completely out of our means. We could barely afford to give them a decent Christmas and he must have spent $100 on them at least, for Halloween. He was definitely a gift giver. The kids were thrilled, but I was more-so. He loved us.


He and my oldest son share a love of all things techy. He gave us our first laptop- a very old Dell that his work was finally throwing out.  It was big and hot and heavy, but nicer than anything we had. It's name was "Old Blue." Nick had so much fun learning about all kinds of things on that computer. My oldest daughter, Rachel, cannot sleep without the blanket he made for her for Christmas years ago. Tim and Dan loved the rides Norm would give them in his Jeep. Stephen, my youngest boy, is often wearing a suit and Norm would tell him he couldn't be fancy if his shirt wasn't tucked in. That would turn into a running joke for them (you had to be there) that was one of the last things Norm said the last time he was here. Last year for Christmas, Mom said he ran all over the place to find matching Care Bears for Leah and her BFF cousin, but they had to settle on different ones. The girls loved them anyway.


The last time we were all together when things were normal was July 4 this year. He and Mom and all of us went down to my sister's house. She lives at a private lake and it was becoming our new tradition to spend the fourth there. We would eat and swim, drink and laugh, and then watch the fireworks after dark. This year, Laura invited us to spend the night there so that we would not have to make the hour plus drive back so late. We did. Mom and Norm left right after the fireworks, he just wasn't acting himself that day. I mentioned it to Joe the next day and he noticed it too. Three days later, all this started.





He left this world on Monday afternoon. I truly hope he is finally at peace. He will be missed.

Fade

Watching someone slowly fade away is not something that I had in my summer plans. Everything changed that day in July when Norm first went to the emergency room. Everything happened so fast, yet so slowly.


It has been day-by-day-minute-by-minute since then and he is still here in a physical sense, but he's not. His decision to go home and stop nutrition never set well with me, but I can understand why he made that decision.  We were assured that it would be quick, a few days to a couple of weeks. It's been 22 days now. This is not what he wanted. My mother is trying her best to keep him comfortable with the meds provided by hospice. There are things about this I never knew, like the restlessness the dying go through. When he is not asleep, he's trying to get out of bed in the semi-conscious state that he is in. He stopped communicating about 10 days ago or so. What is going on in his mind? Is he in pain? It's just so hard to see. This is not the way anyone should go.


He accepted death with dignity and it won't come.

Why is no one Praying for a Miracle?

An honest, refreshing "emperor has no clothes" question asked by Mom while we were still in the hospital. It is a Catholic hospital and one day while I was there, one of the chaplains came around and asked if we wanted to pray with her.


Sure, we all did, but afterwards the question was asked (after said chaplain left).


Why are we praying for wisdom for the doctors, comfort for the family, comfort for Norm. Why aren't we praying, take this all back? Why wasn't that even an option in the litany listed from the holy person's lips?


I have no axe to grind with the religion anymore, I just thought it brutally honest to hear this question asked by someone who does believe (Mom).




Later at work that week, a very nice couple who come in with this or that church group on a pretty regular basis on Sundays came in. They are always very kind and tip well. We've gotten to know each other on a friendly-professional basis over the last several months. Although they've never asked my "deal" about this or that, they always pray before they eat and whoever is their server gets asked for any prayer needs. The first time this happened, I was quite put off, but just let it happen. Now that I know they aren't going to try to convert me (at least I don't think so), I don't mind. Honestly, when they asked me this time, I said yes, yes I do have a request. I let them pray for Norm while I bowed my head, not really believing any of this particular formula, but knowing that sometimes the unexpected will happen. I really thought at the time he still had some hope.


Hope?

My sister and doctors don't seem to have any at all. Mom is still in shock mode, but is keeping it very together, but has accepted the prognosis.  Why can't I hope? Not in God, but in hope.



After the decision to come home the praying customers were back the next week and I told them. I wonder if they ever thought a miracle could happen.



So now we just wait. It's a horrible kind of wait.

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago yesterday, I was shopping at Meijer by myself for my 10 year old's birthday. It was raining hard. My cell phone rang and I wondered why Mom would be calling me at this time of day.


Her voice sounded grim, wanted me to know what was going on, Norm (my step-dad) had a stroke. They saw something on the CT scan they didn't like, would call me back when she knew more.



Later I drive to the ER of the bigger city hospital where they had transported him, by ambulance. Not a stroke, a tumor, maybe two. More scans to see if this had started somewhere else, no. Brain tumor-one-large and aggressive. More tests, inoperable.



Mom texts a few hours later, he had a seizure, loss of right side of body movement, much of his speech, swallowing. More tests, not a seizure, the tumor was bleeding. Started feeding tube and steroid treatments to hopefully improve symptoms, biopsy. Very rare brain tumor, very resistant to treatment.


Oncology gives treatment options, grim prognosis. The cancer will continue to grow and rob him of more of his body and mind, but we could maybe buy some time. The speech and movement and inability to eat on his own will not come back. Norm can communicate, but not verbally very well. First agrees to radiation and some form of chemo pill.


The next day gathers strength and some words to tell Mom and my half-brother that he wants to go home. No treatment.


He came home yesterday, exactly two weeks after this started. He has asked for the feeding tube to be removed. He says he's done. He's only 62. The hospice nurse says a week, maybe two.



Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, don't take anyone for granted.

Whatever

While closing up at work, I bring four buckets of ice to Justin the bartender.

"Thanks, Alice, you don't have to do that."

"No problem," I say, Justin always runs my drinks and is just a great guy.

I walk to the back to help out the kitchen closers and Sam(antha) yells,

"Alice, GO HOME! You do too much."

"NEVER!" I say, I like to make sure everyone is just about done before I leave.




I finally get ready to go and say my goodbyes and Justin says (as always),

"Who's walking you out?"

He's the only one who is ever worried about it, and will always stop what he's doing, walk clear around the bar and walk me out, and I don't want to be a bother.

"The Lord," I say and hear Roger (who knows my deal about that) cracking up across the bar.

Dan the manager who is off work that night walks me out and I can see the signs of a very bad day on his face.


"The Lord hasn't watched me for a long time," I tell him.


"Me neither," Dan replies, "You need to park closer, Alice."


"Whatever," I yell back.


It's dark on the East Side and I'm ready to go home, it's been a Hell of a couple of days. 

Religion and Culture

My husband and I don't talk much about the "god" anymore, but the other night we got into the idea that all religions are pretty much defined to certain areas of the world and probably when it comes down to it, pretty much the same thing.

This discussion came from my new interest in Hinduism, led partially by some things my son said and his fascination with the big renovation of the Hindu Temple of Central Indiana which is literally less than 2 miles from our home. They just had a huge thing going on last week and there were tents and things outside when hubby and I drove by last week on our way to date night.  The temple does not still look fully completed, but it is pretty interesting. One doesn't see that kind of thing around here much. And I'm sure the Baptist church right across the street is loving it ;)


Unfortunately, I can't find a very good photo of it one the web, I'll have to stop by and get one myself soon.


I told him we'd take a night and go visit, just so he can see it firsthand. I'm not looking for a new religion mind you, just interested. I was relieved by this Q&A from the visitor's guide:

Will there be any efforts made to convert visitors? • No. Hindus believe all faith traditions are paths to liberation, and do not seek to convert others to Hinduism. We hope your observations lead you to see the common values and spiritual goals of people of all faiths.

Back to the culture thing, if rituals and religion is someone that a family does as a bonding, community thing, I think may be a while lot more healthy than what I was trying to do. ULTIMATE TRUTH being the goal can be a pretty tall order.