It's Fall, The Rapture and Whatnot

Instagram is the only social media that I view on the daily anymore. Facebook has too many people I don't want to be running into even digitally and I have not opened Blogger in about a year and a half. While scrolling yesterday I learned that today is the Rapture. Oh boy. 

I remember one particular year in my former life that I was especially hopeful to hear that voice like a trumpet (as St. Paul put it, if memory serves) call us up on a glorious Sunday morning. We had been learning about Messianic Judaism in our adult Sunday school classes. There were dates of Jewish festivals and moons and anniversaries of Heavenly cycles. There was so much head swirling speculation that I was very hopeful, more than I had previously been in all my Rapture watches. And I also remember being more disappointed than other watches, sigh. Life goes on.

 

The first of Autumn brings much needed rain and some coolness (a little) to the sweltering summer we've had. I have been working at a smallish national hardware store for the last two years. Since we last chatted, I had just gotten fired from a job for the first time in my life. Twas a very blindsiding event and I never received a reason nor would they let me come and discuss with them, so I got on Indeed and started applying immediately. The hardware store called and that's where I've been trying to bloom. 

  

The beginning months were rough. I still had all kinds of super unpleasant divorce stuff and personal drama demanding most of my energy and being functional was about the limit for me at that time. As the months went by, though, I started trying to care a little bit and have been progressing into more areas of the store. This spring and summer I had the opportunity to work in the garden center. It has been hot, sweaty, physically strenuous, but tremendously rewarding. For months and months all I had the energy to do was work and sleep. As time does its healing thing, I am adding in more things that I just want to do, which is a nice improvement. So, I got out the old blog today. 

 

There's Always more to the Story

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Welcome Back

 Well, it's been awhile, yes?

I have many many scattered things to write. Many

I am still married, currently, but the divorce is in process.

I've moved with three of my children to a town just east of Indy.

I got fired for the first time in my life Tuesday. 

I couldn't be happier.

Hello, It's a me

 I'm going to be doing a lot of posting on the private blog for the time being, if you're interested in any of my ramblings, please send me your email, and I'll invite you. If you don't wanna post it here, you can get me at fourninetenatyahoodotcom.

Around and Around

As a girl, I remember often longing to go home. It didn't make sense, I WAS home, but somehow I knew I wasn't. It startled me the first time I said it out loud (to myself). "I want to go home." It just came out of my mouth one day as a child.  Always having strange dreams and continuous instances of deja vu, I used to play games with myself, pretending that I was on the outside, or from the past or future, looking in on myself. It's as if I knew that "Alice" was not really me, just a character somehow. 

I have been many many places mentally and spiritually (so to speak), and when I don't despair and just flow with what's presented to me, it's as if I can just float along. I wish I had realized this in my youth, it sure would have saved me from much turmoil and heartache. But it is becoming clear that one must suffer torment in order to find peace. 

 I had to battle my demons/dark side/shadow self in order to progress. It seems that I certainly am a worthy adversary for myself.  I think that's why many of us succumb to vices and addictions. It draws that shadow one out and forces you to deal with her.  No pain, no gain. 

I have to laugh at myself (it is the best medicine) for now kind of being grateful for the way I crashed and burned over the last few years. I don't know that it could have been otherwise and I am thankful to still be alive. I guess I feel like I've "leveled up" or something. I have faced so much darkness inside me and looked her in the eyes. She's not evil, she's hurting. From what, we'll see,  but pain and fear are excellent catalysts for self destruction and we all have plenty of that. 

Nothing is random, nothing is wasted, but sometimes, we just don't know what is good for us and we give into that darkness as if it has any answers. But, we could not understand the implications or we would never tempt temptation. But we do. Somehow we have to. It is our lot in this universe to ask, seek, knock, give, take, lust, hate, love, forgive, betray, lie, steal, cheat, rejoice, grieve, experience transcendent pleasure and horrendous pain. We see people live and die and never really know what happens after our life is over.  We hope, we believe, we gather together in groups in order to console ourselves in regards to our awareness that we are mortal.

And that's why we're all so fucked up. We are aware that at any given second, we could be snatched out of existence by a number of terrible and not too terrible ways. Will we die in a car crash? Freak accident at work? Crazy stalker? War? Famine? Lost at sea? Horrible disease? Natural disaster aka Act of God? Peacefully at the end of a long life with all our loved ones around? We don't know and I guess that's what keeps us on our toes. Does anyone know? Is there a plan here?

What if there were nothing?

Around and around.