Around and Around

As a girl, I remember often longing to go home. It didn't make sense, I WAS home, but somehow I knew I wasn't. It startled me the first time I said it out loud (to myself). "I want to go home." It just came out of my mouth one day as a child.  Always having strange dreams and continuous instances of deja vu, I used to play games with myself, pretending that I was on the outside, or from the past or future, looking in on myself. It's as if I knew that "Alice" was not really me, just a character somehow. 

I have been many many places mentally and spiritually (so to speak), and when I don't despair and just flow with what's presented to me, it's as if I can just float along. I wish I had realized this in my youth, it sure would have saved me from much turmoil and heartache. But it is becoming clear that one must suffer torment in order to find peace. 

 I had to battle my demons/dark side/shadow self in order to progress. It seems that I certainly am a worthy adversary for myself.  I think that's why many of us succumb to vices and addictions. It draws that shadow one out and forces you to deal with her.  No pain, no gain. 

I have to laugh at myself (it is the best medicine) for now kind of being grateful for the way I crashed and burned over the last few years. I don't know that it could have been otherwise and I am thankful to still be alive. I guess I feel like I've "leveled up" or something. I have faced so much darkness inside me and looked her in the eyes. She's not evil, she's hurting. From what, we'll see,  but pain and fear are excellent catalysts for self destruction and we all have plenty of that. 

Nothing is random, nothing is wasted, but sometimes, we just don't know what is good for us and we give into that darkness as if it has any answers. But, we could not understand the implications or we would never tempt temptation. But we do. Somehow we have to. It is our lot in this universe to ask, seek, knock, give, take, lust, hate, love, forgive, betray, lie, steal, cheat, rejoice, grieve, experience transcendent pleasure and horrendous pain. We see people live and die and never really know what happens after our life is over.  We hope, we believe, we gather together in groups in order to console ourselves in regards to our awareness that we are mortal.

And that's why we're all so fucked up. We are aware that at any given second, we could be snatched out of existence by a number of terrible and not too terrible ways. Will we die in a car crash? Freak accident at work? Crazy stalker? War? Famine? Lost at sea? Horrible disease? Natural disaster aka Act of God? Peacefully at the end of a long life with all our loved ones around? We don't know and I guess that's what keeps us on our toes. Does anyone know? Is there a plan here?

What if there were nothing?

Around and around.

Loving People Where They Are

Lately I am reflecting on my morals, my philosophy, what kind of person I strive to be. Since l don't have a otherworldly motive to "be good" some would suppose I would descend into the gaping maw of hellish sinfulness.  I've found quite the opposite to be true, though.

I feel like I'm pretty much the same person as I was, as I always was. 


Things are okay right now. I say okay because they are not bad, but they are not great. I guess everyone could say the same. I'm not talking about things in the political or news world (don't really care about any of that) but in my own corner of the world. Some days I feel like I have it all and others I am quite discouraged and depressed. The reasons for such discouragement are many, deep and not easily identified. Things aren't always what they seem and certainly not always what one hoped they would be.


In all that, I'm trying, as a personal challenge, to just love people in my life they way they are without expectation or motive. I'm trying to banish all gossip and negative talk. I'm trying to look at where I may be hypocritical, mean, selfish, or unloving , and stopping that, and also forgiving and loving myself.


I've begun a much gentler parenting style in the last few years and find that it has made me a different person in a good way. I look at them not as sinners who need to be saved, but as little people who need a role model, a friend, a guide.  I don't yell nearly as much, I don't sweat the small stuff. It's been a great letting go of power. They are all flourishing and discovering their own passions and talents and it is a great thing to see. Recently, my 12 year old expressed and interest in boxing. We found a place for lessons and this has become a very interesting new experience. My oldest son is now working for the computer repair place that he interned at a couple of years ago. He has a pretty large amount of responsibility and I'm proud of how he is handling himself.  My 14 year old loves all things outdoors and survival. He bird watches, looks at the sky with his telescope, takes care of the fish, and loves WoW. My 10 year old is building stuff all day long with scrap wood and dismantling and rebuilding. My 9 year old daughter is drawing, just like her big sis, and loves to play and pretend. She has such a good sense of humor.  My first born has flown the nest. It came kind of out of the blue, but not as a huge surprise. My husband and I handled it with grace, knowing that fighting against it would do no good. She's happy, she's safe. Her boyfriend is a great guy, has a job and works on cars on the side. They are young and in love. Weren't we all at some time?

That's where I am as of now. Loving life and yet not.


And I am the one who hated paradoxes.

Gloom and Doom

He sat at the bar about an hour before close and asked what kind of white wines we had. I started to recite them and he asked to sample the Pinot Grigio. Giving a nod of approval, he ordered a 9 ounce pour and dinner. After a second glass, he started to get chatty(er) and commented on this and that, but the thing I noticed was the gloom and doom.



These young people don't know how the world is going to change. This world is not like the one I knew. Shakes head. Trump. Muslims. Hillary. and so on....



I do my busy work and listen as he seems to be not addressing me directly at this point and starts conversing with the other much younger man at the bar.


Gloom and Doom


And I think back to a time when I welcomed such with excitement. I can't help but imagine all the things that would be racing through my mind and news-feed if I were still looking up for Jesus to come back. I'm sure that there is quite a bit going on in the "watcher" groups right now. It's happeningnowrightbeforeoureyes!!! It was 10 years ago and 20 and 100 and 1000 and right up until I stopped watching and life goes on.




I have decided to be happy. I don't want to hear the Hell in a hand-basket stuff anymore. I do think that reality, and by that I mean one's perception of such, is in one's own mind. He sees the world as doomed, I see it as a nice place and I'm really for the most part enjoying my life.


He tipped very well.


The young guy- not so much.

Whatever

While closing up at work, I bring four buckets of ice to Justin the bartender.

"Thanks, Alice, you don't have to do that."

"No problem," I say, Justin always runs my drinks and is just a great guy.

I walk to the back to help out the kitchen closers and Sam(antha) yells,

"Alice, GO HOME! You do too much."

"NEVER!" I say, I like to make sure everyone is just about done before I leave.




I finally get ready to go and say my goodbyes and Justin says (as always),

"Who's walking you out?"

He's the only one who is ever worried about it, and will always stop what he's doing, walk clear around the bar and walk me out, and I don't want to be a bother.

"The Lord," I say and hear Roger (who knows my deal about that) cracking up across the bar.

Dan the manager who is off work that night walks me out and I can see the signs of a very bad day on his face.


"The Lord hasn't watched me for a long time," I tell him.


"Me neither," Dan replies, "You need to park closer, Alice."


"Whatever," I yell back.


It's dark on the East Side and I'm ready to go home, it's been a Hell of a couple of days. 

Beginner's Mind

I've spent the last couple of years unlearning. 



Unlearning is very challenging, because, let's face it, it's downright unsettling and sometimes very heartbreaking to find out what you believed was not true (at least not in the way you thought it was). I have been so grateful to all the resources and support that I've found online to help with this. It kept me sane during the midst of a pretty nasty mind-storm.



As the spring springs, I find that I'm ready, at least for now, to close that unlearning chapter. I feel as though I've explored enough of it to my own satisfaction and I'm ready to move on.


To where, I don't know, but I'm excited to put it to rest for the time being.

German Church

We live very near this old church and I've written about it before. Whilst my daughter and I were out and about last Friday, we saw the beautiful old stained glass windows were boarded up.

A photo posted by 11aliceg95 (@11aliceg95) on May 11, 2015 at 11:16am PDT

I saw that efforts to keep it are organized on facebook.  I hate to see the building go away, it's kind of sad.

Attack of the Teens

I remember all too well what it was like (even when accused of having no idea what I'm talking about). The eye rolling, the temper tantrums, the never ending drama. Those of us who have come out the other side know these things are but for a few years and when the smoke clears, we can look back and see how crazy it all was.


I struggle with grace and love in this area because, quite frankly, I get very frustrated with the situation a lot of the time. The fact that I did homeschool and shelter has me playing the self- blame game a lot (with one), but the other thrives in this environment, so the individual is what drives the behavior and the motivation (or lack thereof) to some extent.


Tough love? Love love? Unconditional Love? (boy is that easier said than done). I think back to my teens and the turbulence, the horrific way I treated my parents and know now that it will/does change. It's just getting through the storm without turning on each other and causing more damage.


They all told me this was coming.


There are good conversations to be had, though. One is very interested in religion, philosophy, and politics and I can totally see my younger, more idealistic self in her.  When did we all get old and stop caring about what really matters, man?


My other teen has a million interests and found his musical talent last year. He is a huge Beatles fan (as are all the boys), but I also heard Cream and The Rolling Stones coming out of his guitar recently and I had to smile. He's got much of our musical tastes. All the boys have now picked up an instrument and they sound pretty darn good.


On a drive last week, my Beatles fan told me all about the Paul McCartney is dead theory after our neighbor told him about it. I already knew a lot of it, but after doing some research, I have to say, I'm pretty freaked out. It's cool that we can talk about these things.


I honestly think these next few years will be the hardest by far in my parenting career.

Birthday Oz

My first born and I share a birthday. In fact, she came about a week early in order to do so. On that day last week, she was looking at the internets for famous people who share December 3 as well. She mentioned that Ozzy Osbourne was one.



Why am I just now hearing about this?


So I looked it up myself and the site mentioned that he was married to a Libra (Sharon) as am I. I found that interesting, but didn't look at Sharon's birthdate until the next night while telling my hubby about it.


I whipped out my phone and wikipedia'ed her and guess what?






She and my husband share a birthday.




Weird:)




One of my favorites:

The whole album is superb.

54

Two Saturdays ago, my station included table number 54. On one of the rounds, the guest's bill came to $54.54. I thought that was pretty cool and showed Jennifer, one of my section buddies. 

This past Saturday (one week later), I got the same section, and was taken back when once again table 54's check came to $54.54. I showed Jennifer to make sure that this really happened twice and she remembered it from the previous time as well. 

Weird.

I remember last year seeing 11:11 or 1:11 on the clock all the time. I read somewhere that that is supposed to mean something, but was I just LOOKING at the clock at those times, or just noticing them above the other many times I looked? 

A couple of months ago, in one week my change at the grocery store was $6.66 and the change I gave out to a table at the restaurant was also $6.66. I wouldn't have thought much about the two, but they occurred within a few days of each other.

It was a little creepy.

Numbers are fascinating. Three of my six children were born on some family member's birthday, my first being born on mine. The first three were born on "First Friday", which had a significant meaning to me at the time. 

Just some numbery thoughts:)

Don't Take it so Seriously

I guess as I'm getting older, it's becoming more easy to not get so upset about the small stuff. That's a nice perk of having been there done that a time or two, knowing that very few things are the end of the world.




For example....


I was at the Dollar General last week with my daughter and in walking by the hair aisle, got the urge to do something "different" with my hair. I am usually miss natural natural when it comes to hair care. I still do the noo poo thing since starting it five years ago. It has saved my scalp, but I won't get into that now.


Anyway, I got the bright idea to do my own highlights. I have pretty dark blond/lightish brown hair and it was in no way color treated and hasn't been since the last time I pulled this about 12 years ago when I went through my mom haircut and dye phase. What I ended up with this time (as well as last-how soon we forget) was anything but natural looking yellowish mess. It's not as bad as it could be, but I'm not happy. Instead of trying to correct it now, I'm going to just let it grow out and deal with the consequences. I wear my hair pretty long, too, so this will be an ongoing problem for quite some time to come, I guess.

It's not THAT bad and I guess maybe once the dust settles I may try a semi-permanent color to go back or get some lowlights done, or something, but I think the experimentation is out of my system for now:)

nope

I have to laugh at myself because even while applying the horrific smelling chemicals my sane side was saying "this is a bad idea."


I'm going to try to "tone" it using some pretty harmless techniques I've been researching. We'll see how that goes.

Insanely Busy

I have so wanted to sit down and write, but the ideas have been few (at least not good) and man have I been busy.


Getting kids off and or running them to school
Teaching
Cleaning
Shopping
Homework
Figuring out something for supper
Work
Sleep
Repeat

Day after day.


The money has been much better lately as we are coming out of our slow season at the restaurant. I've had a very good couple of weeks and I could certainly get used to this.


Our washer decided to go nuts a couple of weeks back which led me to having to haul everything to the laundromat twice. Goodness! I think back to the days when I would have whipped out my homemade laundry detergent, filled up the tub and washed by hand, but that was another time indeed. Hubby was able to fix it after a few troubleshooting errors, we finally got to the problem.



I had a table last night where the mom and dad were wearing some kind of Bible quiz T-shirts. I wonder if I could still recount my vast knowledge of the good book? They tipped well, although were not especially friendly.


I went to my first parent teacher conferences ever last week. The kids are doing well and the teachers all were very nice. I felt a connection with my daughter's kindergarten teacher especially, probably about 10 years my senior, I suppose. She's been teaching a long time and it was a refreshing contrast to the nervous newness of the other two, who were both only a couple of years into this. I found out that she bartends on the weekends, so she's instantly my buddy by way of being in the biz :)

She had this hanging outside her classroom:

I love that.

The Other Side

Natalie was talking about one of her kids being sick the other night at work with me and Cameron the bartender.

"Alice, you have a bunch of kids, how many again?"

"Six."

"I would shoot myself in the head."

We all laughed because of the way she said it and I know she wouldn't, but I know what she meant.




It's a great deal different than the reaction in the Christian world where each child is a gift and in some circles, more is better. We weren't particurally religious when our first was born, but then became Catholics and the family planning aspect of our marriage was now none of our concern. Children are a blessing, God will make a way, and you best not fool with it.


I honestly don't know how it would have played out had we actually thought about what we were doing and what this was going to look like in the long run. We have been overwhelmingly lucky in the fact that all our kids are healthy and normal. There have been many along the way that have helped us and gifted us with money and resources, but there will be no way we can provide cars, college, or any other major things to them since there are so many. I feel very guilty sometimes about that.


On the other hand, I wouldn't want any of them to have not come into our lives, so we just do the best we can and know that they really do have it pretty good.



As the school year continues and I see how well they are adjusting, it is amazing to me how we ever did things any differently. It's as if we've really started a new life.

The Renaissance

As much as my very uninterested third grader is not getting out of it, I am. The hybrid school that Danny is enrolled in has me doing all the history here at home during the first three days of the week. We are starting the year off briefly glimpsing the Middle (Dark) Ages in order to see the events that led up to the Renaissance.


We read about a very early humanist and the idea that there is something great in all of us and we can achieve good things.


I do believe hundreds of years from now our time will be known as a wonderful turning point as well in the evolution of mankind. We have just so much information and so many wonderful things that we can do. Who knows what's next? It's as if we are in the beginning stages of a Renaissance of our own.

The Creation of the Internet :P

Now it's just trying to find a way to get my little student intersted in the history course. 

Rite of Passage

For the last several weeks, I've been getting terrible headaches at the end of the day- not every day, but almost. At first I figured it was sinus related, or whatever, but then I discovered that it didn't seem like I was seeing as well as I was before. Finally, the other day, I could barely see the text on my computer and it dawned on me.



I am 41, my arms are sometimes not long enough to read the itty bitty print on bottles and such.



I need glasses.



Since I knew I wouldn't be getting to the eye doctor right away, I wanted to get something so I could at least see better to read and I cannot believe what a difference it has made.

Buy one get one free at Walgreen's woo hoo!

My daughter said that those frames looked the best on me. I thought I looked like Tina Fey.


I showed my hubby, he said, "You look like Tina Fey."


:)


I think it's just the frame shape, but I'll take it as a compliment.


I can't get into the eye doctor for two weeks, so I hope this will hold me until then.

Advice?

Okay, so things are going very well at work and I am having a good time with most all but one of my co-workers.

For some reason that I honestly don't know, this guy does not like me and is condescending, mean, and snippy every time I have to deal with him. He is a kitchen guy, so we aren't doing the same things, but I do have to try to communicate with him every time I work.

And it IS just me, I've seen how he acts around the other employees, and he is genunienly friendly to them, but just obviously cannot stand me. 

What do I do?

Part of me figures, who cares? Not everyone is going to like me. But, I know he's been there for like ever and isn't going anywhere and neither am I . It would certainly make my life easier if I could do something to make this better. 

Also, English is not his first language, so I don't feel like I can effectively "talk" to him about the situation. 

Any ideas?

The Bus and Bread

I didn't really want my kids to have to ride the bus. We live just about a mile from the school and I figured it would be easier on everyone if I just took them. I did find that due to the fact that I can't be in two places 8 miles apart at once, this would not be an option. So yesterday morning I witnessed something that I truly thought I never would. I watched three of my kids get onto a pubilc school bus.


It was surreal, empowering, bittersweet. I know that this is completely normal, but it wasn't going to be us. We had a mission, a calling, a duty to do things differently. Well, stuff happens and we find out that we are like everyone else. It's okay, just not what we spent the last several years doing with our lives. I was glad when they got home running up the driveway and smiling from ear to ear. They really are loving it so far and I hope they will continue to. The older two are a bit behind academically (remember- we weren't all supposed to be here much longer- the End and all), but they are making friends and are bringing home very good conduct reports each night.

We have been in the slow season at work for the last few weeks. I guess there usually is a lull during summer when people are doing outdoor things. This last weekend was especially bad and by Sunday night I had pretty much lost my faith in humanity. We ran out of the complimentary bread that we give out and since that is clearly my fault, the tips on the very few tables I did have suffered. Last night was much better and like things always do, they even out. Still not a good money night, but at least no one was verbally abusive or completely mean to me-all that went down last week. So I had a two-top that I really didn't expect a good tip out of, but I put on my happy face and tried to enjoy the art of serving. To my surprise the tip was fair and as they left one stopped to tell me I was a very good waitress. I really needed to hear that.


Speaking of bread, I think I may be ready to let my sourdough starter go. I haven't baked any bread for several weeks and it gets old having to feed it every third day. Plus, the hubby and I are trying to cut calories and fresh homemade bread and butter every day surely is not a good idea. Maybe it's time to hang up the baking hat for awhile.

A New Life

My sister had a baby boy yesterday. Being as she doesn't live close by, I had to check in with my mom via texts all afternoon. Pacing about the house as I felt my updates weren't coming through quickly enough, I just wanted her and the baby to be okay. It's really hard waiting for someone you love to have a baby and this (her third) was no exception.


Mom and baby are well.


I remember the first and the second, too. Hoping and praying that they and she would come through it all okay. I know bad things happen.


I think back to my last child and the decision to have her at home. How crazy it must have seemed to those who knew that I had hemorrhaged pretty badly with the previous home-birth.  What was I thinking?


I bled very badly with her, too, and almost ended up in the hospital anyway. She was fine, but I had lost more blood than the midwives would have liked. They told me if I couldn't get up and walk on my own, we would have to go and by sheer will, walk I did. I was not going to the hospital. I don't know what I was afraid of, but I was. It took me two weeks to recover from that and I remember after my fourth baby (a hospital birth) getting up and walking around an hour later as if nothing had happened.


Medical advancements ain't so bad.



I'm thankful that my sister is in a good hospital with good care. And I can't wait to hold my new nephew.

Dentist!

I went finally to start taking care of that little problem tooth of mine. We got our tax refund, so were able to set aside the amount of money needed (after insurance) to get the root canal and crown that I needed for my badly damaged molar.


As I wrote about it on my other blog.

Roughly two years ago we were having supper and one of my back molars just caved in. At the time I was expecting the Rapture at any second so I just put it off. I wasn't in a great amount of pain, not really any to my surprise, so I got some of that filling stuff you buy at the store and patched it up now and then.

Weeks, months went by and I started to research how I could fix this thing without going to the dentist. (Please know that my husband said I could go at any time, it wasn't a money thing at this point, but a principle thing on my part). I did oil pulling, rinsed with peroxide to stave off infection, used clove oil for any discomfort,  prayed for restoration, and kept a positive attitude that it was possible to be healed.

I was living in a fantasy world.

I was very nervous yesterday, but the dentist was great and I felt no pain at all during or now 18 hours after the root canal. The worst part of the hour and a half visit was the soft rock music station that was playing in the office. 

In three weeks I go to get the crown and restore what I so stupidly put off for so long. 

Flow

Something that has occurred to me lately is that for the first time in many many years, my life is up to me....kind of.  I certainly cannot control all the circumstances around me, but I can (must) look at things differently.


I will say that there are times I start to pray about something, out of habit, but then remember. But there is a strange relief in that, in knowing that it doesn't matter.


Toward the end of my faith, I looked a bit into Law of Attraction stuff. To be honest, I found that it did work sometimes (much like prayer) and as interesting as it was, it became clear to me that when The Universe didn't always respond to you in the way you wished, there were "buts" and "ifs" involved....just like prayer.


I could see how this new way of magical thinking could very easily become a religion and I gave up on that, too.


But now


I can go with the flow. I choose to. I could choose to go with prayer and but and if the unanswered away. I could use positive thinking and try lining up my vibration with the Universe and fight and claw to get that to work to my satisfaction, but I'm tired. I don't want to struggle anymore.



I just want to be.

Life

... is good.

I remember the summer that I started to believe in the possibility of the salvation of all (Universalism). The very idea was so mind blowing. Hell fell away and I could see the light of Love shining through the fear and dread of damnation. I still was unsure where it all landed for me and for a time, a very brief time, I entertained the idea of annihilation. No Hell would be suffered, but no eternal life for those not in Christ. It certainly seemed like a much better alternative. 

I was at a church function, it was a beautiful summer morning. I happened to look over at another church member the sunlight was shining on his face and I could see the glory of God in him and in everyone. God is good, His mercy endures FOREVER.....not until death or The End. He is merciful-He is love. 

I asked silently for confirmation almost feeling like Abraham when he asked God to spare the city if less and less righteous men be found there. The next day, I was at church again and a little girl was wearing a T-shirt that said:

Life is good

Life is good Alice, I am good. The reason I allowed you to believe in Hell for so long was for your own good and to bring you closer to me. Now that you can see how I really am, you will have peace. 

The peace lasted for a little while.



I've heard it said that Hell is needed to keep Christianity intact. If we need a savior we need something to be saved from.




After the shock and the sorrow and the anger of losing faith I find myself back to that simple thing.




Life is Good. This life is all we have-all we know-and perhaps all there is.


It's better than it has been in a long time.