Move When Your Master Screams at You!

Hubby and I were watching this the other night and it occurred to us that George Liquor acts a lot like "someone" we know from say...an old collection of books, maybe in the "Old" part?

The relevant scene is from 4:37- 6:45

Happy Spring

I miss my almost daily blogging, but it seems like I have nothing to say. I have thought of lots of ideas lately, but nothing is really taking off.



Unfortunately, after my stepfather died, I joined facebook as a way to stay in the loop with my mom and sister and extended family, but in the couple of days that followed, many friend requests from work came in and now I find myself sucked into the constant facebook thing, which sucks in a way. It really is a big time burglar. 




But I like who I am becoming, or returning to, who we as a family are becoming. I'd like to talk about that more here in the most private-public forum I have left. 







Easter was pretty uninteresting this year. We went to the extended hubby's family and as I see all the babies being born remember where I was a few years ago. So much obligation, guilt, thankfulness, hope, despair, duty, trusting in the Master Plan for my and my family's ultimate end.



Joe and I are really wanting to get back to our roots, to US, before God and Jesus took over and made us into what we were supposed to be for a long time. We had a nice talk the other day and something I said surprised me. I said I was glad to have believed and then not believed. I have seen it both ways and I don't think everyone gets that chance (is chance the right word?). But in that moment I was overwhelmingly grateful.



The Easter Story makes less and less sense as the years go by, but the idea behind everything being born anew every year is nice.  As I battle old demons and welcome new angels I have hope.

The Good God

I went to a funeral recently a great uncle on my mother's side. Bob was a great guy, I saw him once every year or so at family things. He and his wife always sent us a Christmas card. All memories I have of him are good.


What I didn't know was that Bob was a believer. Apparently quite a real church-goer. The service was pretty long and there was a lot of Jesus.


If I had still been a believer, I would have really enjoyed the message. It was one of all hope, no hellfire and brimstone, nor do I remember much proselytizing. This was a God of hope, love, peace.



Now, we all know that that God is only in some of the Bible, but if one didn't know better, it sounds pretty sweet.

Jack

He's an in and out manager that floats from store to store in our area. He's young, no more than 30 I'd imagine. A nice guy, fair, but takes no crap and tells it like it is.


I'd noticed the crown of thorns tattooed around his wrist and well as some other religious inkings on his arms.


My daughter often gets done with her work earlier than me, and as we ride together, she has to wait. She really enjoys talking to the managers and others in the office as they do the paperwork. Jack and her were talking about things and he asked her if she was religious. She said no and he asked if I was, to which she said NO. She also added that it was kind of a sensitive issue.


He told her that he believes, but knows that there is no fact in which to base it. It helped him and gave him hope, but he cannot prove that it is true. Wouldn't that be a much easier way to go, I thought.


I wonder sometimes why I was so intent on demanding it be TRUTH. Not that I would do it differently, just why.  

I'm Not Special 2

The salvation of all shed light on a ever-darkening predestined world. One wee problem (and it wasn't really a problem at all) was that it meant that I was not special, predestined, chosen out in particular by God.

That idea was one of the things that attracted me to Calvinism. God had a plan for me, the rest of humanity, at least as far as the unsaved were concerned, were either by their own choice, or by God's just extras on the stage of the universe to which all was created for His glory.  Thankfully, I was going to be part of the glorious consummation.


However, as I discovered that I wasn't special, it was bittersweet, but short-lived.


How would the rest be saved? I didn't know, but it didn't matter. They would be and the fear was gone. And that was superior by far to being foreordained for salvation. I could breathe again.



A couple of weeks ago, Bobby, a semi-regular came in for a beer.  I have known him since I started working there, but this was my first time as his bartender. I found that in the 45 minutes he was there, he talked about Heaven, the Lord, his pastor, church, his pastor's new sermon series, how he hopes to bring others to salvation, an idea for an evangelical fiction story, and somehow more of his pastor. I was more or less listening as we wasn't really directing me, but more having a conversation with Don, another regular. I could totally relate to where he was coming from, though. The joy of the Lord is your strength and all. However, I also know the underlying fear that you won't hear that "well done good and faithful servant." Was is joy or fear driving his speech this night?

On the way home, my daughter and I were talking about it, as she was privy to some of the bar banter. Her conclusion was:

"Religion isn't based on faith, but on fear."



I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and it has become apparent how many years I was just afraid.  And I know why. I spent most of my time in a manageable state of terror to more or lesser degrees due to the very nature of the God I thought was real. It wasn't until I got rid of the fear (eternal conscious afterlife torment) due to the realization that "God is Love" was doublespeak if that God created, maintained and condoned such a fate, that the fear went away.



It's been strange these past couple of years navigating in a world with no celestial thought police, no worry about raising the kids to be believers, to demon hunt in every area of my life.


Right after losing faith, I was devastated, heartbroken, just demolished. I wished I had not been a believer at all, but I don't feel that way anymore. So much of it comes back now to show me what of that life was me and what was not.  I can talk about it now without so much emotion. It was what it was and I feel grateful to have come out the other side. I was so much a part of me, but now I still have so much more to embrace. The black and whites are gone, life is more precious, I find myself more patient, more accepting, more human.


I'm not special, but yet we all are:)

Gloom and Doom

He sat at the bar about an hour before close and asked what kind of white wines we had. I started to recite them and he asked to sample the Pinot Grigio. Giving a nod of approval, he ordered a 9 ounce pour and dinner. After a second glass, he started to get chatty(er) and commented on this and that, but the thing I noticed was the gloom and doom.



These young people don't know how the world is going to change. This world is not like the one I knew. Shakes head. Trump. Muslims. Hillary. and so on....



I do my busy work and listen as he seems to be not addressing me directly at this point and starts conversing with the other much younger man at the bar.


Gloom and Doom


And I think back to a time when I welcomed such with excitement. I can't help but imagine all the things that would be racing through my mind and news-feed if I were still looking up for Jesus to come back. I'm sure that there is quite a bit going on in the "watcher" groups right now. It's happeningnowrightbeforeoureyes!!! It was 10 years ago and 20 and 100 and 1000 and right up until I stopped watching and life goes on.




I have decided to be happy. I don't want to hear the Hell in a hand-basket stuff anymore. I do think that reality, and by that I mean one's perception of such, is in one's own mind. He sees the world as doomed, I see it as a nice place and I'm really for the most part enjoying my life.


He tipped very well.


The young guy- not so much.

Living the Dream

It's been an extraordinarily busy time for me lately, but good busy as compared to last year's busy. I HATED having the kids in public school, so the journey back to homeschooling has been very comforting. We are doing more real life learning and less curriculum driven learning. It is exciting and I'm amazed all the time with the interests and talents of each and every one of them.

The housework suffers, but I tell myself that someday they will all be gone and the house will be clean. It has occurred to me lately how time flies and how my life now doesn't look anything like what I thought it would look like a few years ago. (I figured we'd all be raptured by now;).


And I work...A LOT. What was supposed to be a very very part time job to help makes ends meet is now a pretty much full time gig. I've picked up a few bar-tending shifts as well and am finding that to be challenging, but fun. The money is nice and it is nice to not have to scrape and scrimp all the time. Although I do wonder if the hours at work vs. home are a bit out of whack. I am so grateful that the kids aren't in school, so I can spend my days with them. Some days it kind of feels like I'm really living the dream (sarcastically) and other days it feels like I'm living the dream honestly and I'm the luckiest woman alive. I don't get to see my husband much, though, and that is a problem. I hope for some more balance in that area.


Thinking back on the faith, I find that my heart-brokenness about it all seems to be settling down. Life does go on. I'm not quite sure what to do with that, but it is something.

Faith Light

I was watching a show last night where someone was lighting a candle for the dead in a Catholic church. It struck me that in a way, I could see there being something to that.


In a universe where no one really knows exactly everything, there seemed to be a sort of quiet beauty in that moment. I could see a hopeful, wishful thinking. Without all the horrendous baggage of religion, a modest, humble gesture to the great unknown seems okay. After all, as much as we do know, there is so much we don't. I know that the Bible god most likely doesn't exist, but who is to say we have ruled out everything that could ever be.


Of course, you were supposed to pay to light the candle with a convenient offering box in the midst of the shrine that kind of cheapens it. Still, I can see the appeal of holding a hope of something, even if deep down one really doesn't believe it to be true.


Which is where I think most who hold faith are. I'm sure that is a much more healthy way to approach it. 

Conclusions

For a while, I wanted to put all this ex-Christian stuff to bed, but I feel that in being true to myself I cannot. I have no one in my real life that understands what I went through, as much as they might sympathize, there is no way of knowing until "it" happens to you. It is irreversible.



I have realized lately that in trying to explain myself that others to whom this hasn't happened to will see me as lost, sad, never saved. They cannot understand as much as I cannot understand why they wouldn't come to the same conclusion given the same information I had. This was all my doing, in my own mind, I "went" there. And yes, maybe I did, but I didn't know what I was doing. I really had no idea this would happen.



Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

 (there never was any baby and the bathwater was everything).


I've been reading some of my favorite stories again lately and find that in my case, the most resonant with me are those who came to Jesus out of fear; fear of death, fear of hell, hopelessness, depression. Those who needed something bigger than themselves in order to feel whole. That was 100% me. Now when I get depressed as I do from time to time, I think about that. Believing in Jesus did save me from depression, gave me a new hope, meaning and purpose. I cannot deny that.


But I also cannot forget that after the initial euphoria of being a child of God, there came years and years of agony. I guess that's what makes me so sad about it now. It was useless suffering, time lost, worries multiplied by infinity. The deeper I dug in, the worse it became. It wasn't supposed to be that way.


Then again not everyone comes to the same conclusions. But for those who did, I appreciate being part of this community. It has kept me from feeling so alone.

Crickets

Most nights on my way home I will crank up my music and try to turn off my brain for a few minutes. It's amazing how customer service can be so rewarding and yet so completely mentally, physically, and spiritually draining at the same time. These last few weeks especially, our slow time, have been more discouraging than ever. Will I ever make decent money again? Of course we will, it's just this time of year.


Last night I didn't put on the music, but rolled down the windows and listened to the crickets (or whatever they are). I love this time of year and their songs. It makes everything seems so simple, so connected, so beautiful.


A couple of days ago while driving to my sister in law's baby shower, I saw a burial taking place at a roadside cemetery. I got to thinking about how it awaits us all, you know IT. One day it will be my turn. There is no escaping that. I thought about how much we all take for granted when in one breath our time will come.


That's the big problem I guess, always was. Not the fear of the pain of death but the finality of it. The very thought of non-existence. The comfort and hope of heaven that awaits took that from me until it made everything worse eventually.

The Amazing Grace...BUT. The He loves you, HOWEVER. You're saved, UNLESS....


A bait and switch at a most cruel level. An endless bargaining for peace of mind.



All of that is over now. What has been seen cannot be unseen, but the big problem still is there. I guess there is no fear now, but disappointment. I almost had it all. Life now, life everlasting.


I'm listening to them again this morning, they give me some peace.

Love the Sinner...

It is amazing to me at how much more free I am and even in the weariness of my new normal, with my wall to wall activity, I am free in my own mind. Free.


The people I work with are a bunch of characters. I figure it is that way everywhere and I guess that's part of what makes the world go 'round. My daughter who just started working there said she could totally see it as some kind of mockumentary show like The Office, and I'm sure it would be hilarious if written correctly.


There are those who have been there for years, many who come and go, but the mix is always interesting. Recently, I trained a new server, who after some chit-chat told me his story of moving here from down south and living with his in-laws and husband and raising his 9 year old nephew. Since then, I've met the husband and nephew and William is one of my favorite people to work with. He's polite, hard-working, considerate, friendly, and gay and raising a child with another gay man.


Years ago, this would have sent me into huge fits of cognitive dissonance as I knew it was not right and this man and his whole unholy family would be surely headed straight for eternal torture. On the other hand, my own judgement would be what it is now, live and let live. I've never sided with God on this gay thing and now I don't have to.

The Absence of Fear

One thing that came back to me again and again in these past few weeks was the absence of fear. I hadn't faced anything this life altering since my departure from the faith and I was astonished to realize that not only did I not miss not having God in the mix, I was very glad I didn't have that to deal with on top of everything else.


Was Norm saved? Is he in Heaven? Hell? What if I should have witnessed to him?


It became apparent to me that I had truly lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety. Never was I more depressed, self-loathing, and anxious than when I was trying to please God. And now, I'm not and I'm free.


Like I've said here before, I don't necessarily believe that there is nothing else after death, but I don't fear that something else anymore.  Faith that gives hope and comfort is fine for those for whom it does just that, for me, it did everything but.


I know it sounds harsh. 

Why is no one Praying for a Miracle?

An honest, refreshing "emperor has no clothes" question asked by Mom while we were still in the hospital. It is a Catholic hospital and one day while I was there, one of the chaplains came around and asked if we wanted to pray with her.


Sure, we all did, but afterwards the question was asked (after said chaplain left).


Why are we praying for wisdom for the doctors, comfort for the family, comfort for Norm. Why aren't we praying, take this all back? Why wasn't that even an option in the litany listed from the holy person's lips?


I have no axe to grind with the religion anymore, I just thought it brutally honest to hear this question asked by someone who does believe (Mom).




Later at work that week, a very nice couple who come in with this or that church group on a pretty regular basis on Sundays came in. They are always very kind and tip well. We've gotten to know each other on a friendly-professional basis over the last several months. Although they've never asked my "deal" about this or that, they always pray before they eat and whoever is their server gets asked for any prayer needs. The first time this happened, I was quite put off, but just let it happen. Now that I know they aren't going to try to convert me (at least I don't think so), I don't mind. Honestly, when they asked me this time, I said yes, yes I do have a request. I let them pray for Norm while I bowed my head, not really believing any of this particular formula, but knowing that sometimes the unexpected will happen. I really thought at the time he still had some hope.


Hope?

My sister and doctors don't seem to have any at all. Mom is still in shock mode, but is keeping it very together, but has accepted the prognosis.  Why can't I hope? Not in God, but in hope.



After the decision to come home the praying customers were back the next week and I told them. I wonder if they ever thought a miracle could happen.



So now we just wait. It's a horrible kind of wait.

Flu

Hey everybody:)


It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted, it seems. Work, school, blah, blah. I also got a nice flu virus that knocked me out for about a week, that was fun.



I really, really hate being sick. It makes me MAD.




I don't know that I really need to do anymore failed prophecy posts for now. The point has been made to a certain degree I think. In my searching some things out, I found this testimony from a former member of Jews for Jesus, and what he said at the end made me smile:

"Looking back I have certain mixed feelings. I left in most ways with a sigh of relief. I could begin to think again. I could feel for the pain of others apart from the question where were they going to spend eternity in heaven or hell. I could experience the pain, but also the joy of making choices."

I'm not limited in my thoughts anymore and that I don't need to fear or avoid anyone or anything. There are choices now that fall squarely in my own lap- no God, no Plan, no Destiny. It's up to me. It's thrilling and terrifying, but that's life now. I don't think I would want it any other way. 

Holier Than Thou

When I was a believer, I thought that I knew God, I was more serious about my relationship, more close to God than all those other people "playing church."  I really did. But of course, it was not me but Him who was doing it. I just did my part in loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.



Driving my son to school this morning, it occurred to me that we all probably think/thought that. No one strives to be lukewarm, we all want(ed) to please Him. Those who don't do things the way we do or read the scriptures with our own interpretation are not "filled with His spirit." It's impossible to know how sincere anyone is in their faith. Will we know them by their works?


Jesus in the sheep and goats judgement passage says plainly it is works and not right belief. In fact, many people who didn't think they were in, were, and those who did weren't.  In fact, I can't really think of any passage where right belief is the standard for holiness.


Wresting scripture? Good grief, everyone accuses everyone else of that. I finally got tired of all the doctrinal nit-picking and wanted to get down to the truth. It was when I left all the hills to die on that I gained (what I believe to be) some humility about this whole thing. What are the essentials. Believe. Believe what exactly? Well, thats the rub, isn't it?


Believe (and then????)



I once heard a sermon where the pastor was giving some sort of lesson about maturity in Christ, making points of the characteristics an immature, growing, and then mature Christian would display in their lives. Here I was a Christian for 17 years or so hearing that if I didn't think church attendance was important, I was immature. I didn't think church attendance was important. What did Jesus ever say about church attendance?

I longed for that personal, sublime relationship with the all that is all. I knew that church attendance, baptism, communion, boring re-hashed homilies, topical powerpoint sermons, tithing had nothing to do with that. (Note all those things are done inside the ecclesiastical country club).

Bible study, getting to the heart of what God says to us, that's where it was at. Yes.


What a mess that was.


Love, yes, that's it. God IS love.

But not so fast, he's also not ONLY love.



Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

Lent

 I wanted to share this entry from a blog I was just led to recently.



Ashes of Yesteryear




....Out of the ashes rises the phoenix. This year, as we enter the season of Lent, I enter it with a light heart, with freedom from guilt (masquerading as conviction) and self-degradation....Life is good. My soul is still.



Reading her bloggings during past lents and now, I totally understand how she feels. 



While cleaning a table at work Friday night, the Who's I'm Free played on the musak...

and I had to smile.

Calling Good Evil and Evil Good

If God loves us unconditionally why the limited time offer? Why the do it my way while you're still alive or else? Thomas got a sign while alive, but when the rich man saw Lazarus in Abraham's bosom, he got a Ha! too late. Where's the compassion, where's the mercy?


The fundamentalist concept of hell is just that. Calling evil good.


One can call it separation (but it's not, if God is everywhere, then he's there, too, watching, condoning your suffering).
or outer darkness (I create light and form darkness)
or whatever, but it's still the same.



The worst fate imaginable.




And he could stop it anytime he wanted. His hands aren't tied, showing us each individually without a doubt wouldn't stop free will. This whole idea has really been on my mind lately, especially when on a couple of occasions being sweetly threatened with the eternal doom.


It's insane. And a god that would do this is insane.



I don't understand how an otherwise normal and compassionate and sane person can actually believe that most people, including people they know and love are going to suffer this fate at the hand of the god that they profess is perfect love.



It's insane. And I'm saying it out loud.




It's calling Evil good.



(I know many of you out there don't believe in hell, I'm not addressing that here).




Think about it.

Yes, No, Wait

Recently, I overheard a conversation that involved an apparent answer to prayer. The one who got their prayer answered (which, was something rather trivial btw) said that they wished God would answer all prayers like that.



The other party said and I quote,


"God always answers prayers. He says yes, no, or wait."





I don't now nor ever did find that answer satisfying, but as a believer that's all I had. At times, I would figure I was doing something wrong. Other times, I chalked it up to sovereignty and tried to focus my efforts more in discovering His will instead of making petitions.




But does prayer work? I guess I would say if one believes in the yes, no, wait, scenario, then it always does. 

Solstice

As the days return to gradually getting longer, I think about the sun. This bright hot thing in the sky that sustains life on this planet. As an object of worship, it doesn't get much better than this. Big, bright, powerful, warm, almost too warm sometimes. It's heat can give life, but can also kill. Without it's light, we cannot survive.


I'm one of these people who get the winter blahs. I could take the cold and snow, if it weren't for the darkness. By the time I get to work lately, it is already dark. I have always hated a dark suppertime. So we light lights, we make our homes cozy. We feast and make merry.


I can totally understand why the sun was/is worshipped.

Rising

I've been low lately. The self blame-game I've been playing about the change in gears here and what residual effects there may be has been heavy on me. I've been teary-eyed quite a bit again and have felt pretty powerless and hopeless a time or two.


As work begins to be more mundane since the newness has worn off, I find that I don't keep that positive outlook like I did at first. And I find that much of this sadness and negativity is getting to me in all kinds of ways.


We've had a round of sickness sweep through the realm here in the last two weeks and sometimes just being knocked off your feet with something is enough to make you stop and think. What is really important?


Happiness.


Peace.


Joy.


Love.


Focusing my efforts as I have over the last several months on the fallout of the deconversion is a bit energy draining. I understand that I will never divorce myself completly from the subject as it still holds a great interest to me, for reasons that I can't really articulate. It was such a huge part of me that I cannot imagine ever just forgetting that. But, I want to rise up to something better now, get back to more uplifting subject matter (at least on this blog:)) -Rants and occasionaly pity parties to be held elsewhere.


I want to be grateful, happy, and be a positive person. After all, I really don't have any problems compared to many people. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in the midst of our trials. I feel better already.