Just start writing, for no reason as if no one will read it. Just do it for practice, for fun. This is the way you express yourself and it really does make you feel better. -me to me
Tonight at work a wave of sorrow hit me quite unexpectedly. I was gathering dishes to wash and since there's been a recent dust up and subsequent departure of one of the main guys, (My favorite main guy. Everyone's favorite main guy.), things have not been the same. It's been a few weeks and we are settling into a new groove, but it will never be the same. I absolutely hated the feeling, but decided to think it through, feel it, and move on. It worked for the most part, but I really sometimes wish I didn't get so attached to certain people. He's the kind of guy that draws people in because he just raises the vibes anywhere he is. Everyone misses him and the mood has been grim.
But what can you do? I was thinking today that maybe I could get my vibes vibin' higher, it certainly couldn't hurt.
I have been climbing out of a tremendously dark pit for the last few years. It's been slow, painful, and sometimes I slide back in a bit, but we keep going. Nothing is guaranteed, even the things you really really want to be. It has made me think about staying in each moment, because that is all that is real.
I have been given grace by many and have had enough of hating myself, so I won't anymore. I will try, but I will have to completely change the way I operate and I need to kick some old habits and start some new ones. I have never been one to discipline myself very well. I want me to have fun. I don't like rules and lists and charts and all that. I'm a free spirit, see?
Sometimes I wonder if I have something fundamentally wrong with me or if I'm just unmotivated and too lazy or depressed to do anything to motivate myself. If I don't feel it, I ain't doing it. That has not worked and I really don't know why I stopped caring, but I did. I just didn't care, about anything.
Now I do, or at least I want to care. I can feel it coming back, so I am encouraged. It may be just as simple as just cracking down on myself. I'm working very hard on changing whatever it is that took me away. But I'm in there, I can tell, she's trying to come back.
So as I cry tears I thought I was done crying, I guess I do feel a little bit better.
