Why I Can't

If there's a new way,

I'll be the first in line.

But it better work this time.

Megadeth- Peace Sells

"You're a very all or nothing person," she said to me as we talked recently at her kitchen table on a sunny but very cold afternoon. The kids, hers and mine, were being very loud but having a very good time. It sure would have been nice if they could have gone outside to play. We met five years ago or so at our last church and though she left that particular church some time before we did, we have kept in touch. It had been a long time since we'd seen each other and at our previous gathering over six months earlier, I told her about my doubts (kind of).

Our summer cookout area

 On that sunny and very summery day at our house she asked,


"Well, do you believe in the death, burial, and resurrection?"



"Yes?"....(not really, but I'm not ready to admit it  yet was going through my mind.)










Back to recently, she asked about where I was in all this. She knew, I think through mutual friends, but I'm sure she wanted to hear it from me.



"I just don't believe it anymore."



Not wanting to pry but wanting to talk, if I wanted, she brought the tissues as it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to talk about this without crying yet, maybe never.  I certainly couldn't go through all the reasons and explain them all. Long story short was I just don't think it is the truth.


We talked a bit more about other things. She refrained from saying she'd pray for me or I was never saved or that I just wanted to sin or anything like that. But that is not really her style anyway. She knows in the little bit of time she's known me how much I put into this.  And I know we'll remain friends, I hope so.


I've heard from others, too, that if I just wasn't so all or nothing in this thing, I could have a healthier spirituality, but I can't.



 It's either true or it is not.




Recently I read a blog post where the author states that she cannot either. When speaking of certain passages referring to God's wrath she wrote:

It has been suggested that these verses pertaining to all of this wrath are fallible man’s attempt to understand God, but have in the process completely misunderstood His nature.  I’m not sure I can buy into that view.  Either these were prophets of God, or they weren’t. (emphasis mine)

Exactly. I know others can have the same set of facts and scriptures and can still believe.


I can't. I am a black-and-white-all-or-nothing person when it comes to this. I gave my entire heart, mind and soul. I'm not satisfied to try to reconcile the promises of God by saying he didn't really mean what he said. This post (although long) is a good read and addresses much of what I'm trying to say quite well.


That is why I studied and researched the bible and theology so vehemently over the years. Why does the bible promise us things that just don't fit in with reality? What am I missing? I found what to me was the missing piece in the very last place I looked and I can't "unsee" it now.

Flow

Something that has occurred to me lately is that for the first time in many many years, my life is up to me....kind of.  I certainly cannot control all the circumstances around me, but I can (must) look at things differently.


I will say that there are times I start to pray about something, out of habit, but then remember. But there is a strange relief in that, in knowing that it doesn't matter.


Toward the end of my faith, I looked a bit into Law of Attraction stuff. To be honest, I found that it did work sometimes (much like prayer) and as interesting as it was, it became clear to me that when The Universe didn't always respond to you in the way you wished, there were "buts" and "ifs" involved....just like prayer.


I could see how this new way of magical thinking could very easily become a religion and I gave up on that, too.


But now


I can go with the flow. I choose to. I could choose to go with prayer and but and if the unanswered away. I could use positive thinking and try lining up my vibration with the Universe and fight and claw to get that to work to my satisfaction, but I'm tired. I don't want to struggle anymore.



I just want to be.

A New Kind of Sunday

2:00 P.M.

"Alice, can you take a seven-top on 111*?" 

This was after being double seated in my own section. We were short staffed and everyone was getting more tables than they were happy with. There was no one else to take it. As the hostess took the drink order I accepted that this was going to have to happen.

Okay, don't panic...


This was the first time I was really in the weeds since starting here but I somehow managed to not completely freak out.


Fine, two 2s and a 7, I can do this as long as they don't seat my other table.


I look over at the other table in my 3 table section and see seven people there (this is not the first seven mind you, but another).


The next few hours were a blur of triple seating goodness until the end of the night.


But the money was good.


I get home and see this nice surprise note for me.

And it was...clean.

I'm sure she had some personal motive for such, but I think in a way they miss me and appreciate the things I do around here more.

I watch one Netflix show with my hubby and get a quick bite to eat and sleep a very sleepy sleep.


It was a good day:)






*all table and co worker names will always be completely made up:)

The Church on the Corner

I drive by it often. It is an old UCC building right on the corner of US 40 (Washington Street) and German Church road here in Indy.

I see this sign yesterday on the front lawn of the church and I'm sure I made a face. I didn't mean to, but I think I may be doing that a lot. I saw another sign on another church welcoming a pastor and his family. I see one the other day that said, "Baptism, the Eternal Selfie." Okay, that one made me laugh. I just can't seem to drive by and not have these feelings about it all. 

Anger, disgust, hurt...what is it exactly? I'm not sure. A family member asked us recently if we were still going to church at which my husband said,

"No, we've had enough."

It's not that anyone in the church has hurt us. It's just that we were different, chosen, not of this world, children of God. We walked the walk, we put our all into this and now, here we are. My husband has thrown up his hands and figures that God's going to do whatever he wants. I just plain don't think it's true anymore. 

It's going to be interesting navigating in this new world where I can't not make a face. It has been surprising to me how it hurts, it's a very strange kind of hurt, maybe like a spiritual phantom limb pain. And there are churches on just about every corner.

Life

... is good.

I remember the summer that I started to believe in the possibility of the salvation of all (Universalism). The very idea was so mind blowing. Hell fell away and I could see the light of Love shining through the fear and dread of damnation. I still was unsure where it all landed for me and for a time, a very brief time, I entertained the idea of annihilation. No Hell would be suffered, but no eternal life for those not in Christ. It certainly seemed like a much better alternative. 

I was at a church function, it was a beautiful summer morning. I happened to look over at another church member the sunlight was shining on his face and I could see the glory of God in him and in everyone. God is good, His mercy endures FOREVER.....not until death or The End. He is merciful-He is love. 

I asked silently for confirmation almost feeling like Abraham when he asked God to spare the city if less and less righteous men be found there. The next day, I was at church again and a little girl was wearing a T-shirt that said:

Life is good

Life is good Alice, I am good. The reason I allowed you to believe in Hell for so long was for your own good and to bring you closer to me. Now that you can see how I really am, you will have peace. 

The peace lasted for a little while.



I've heard it said that Hell is needed to keep Christianity intact. If we need a savior we need something to be saved from.




After the shock and the sorrow and the anger of losing faith I find myself back to that simple thing.




Life is Good. This life is all we have-all we know-and perhaps all there is.


It's better than it has been in a long time.

Love, Love, Love

There was a time in our early married years when I would have gotten all huffy if my hubby hadn't tried to do something for Valentine's Day. Now that I wouldn't get upset about it, he does. Maybe it is that we have both grown, me not being such a pain about the little things (like him not being able to read my mind), and him appreciating me more.

My Valentine's Day flowers

I waited on a man on Valentines's Day who had recently lost his wife. As we get older the possibility of that happening increases year by year, but no one ever knows when their time is up.





I get irritated with the kids, too. The other night I  had a family at a table whose only child had a physical/mental handicap and I don't know how I got so fortunate as to have all healthy children.

Miss Lady

This winter has been so awful, but as it starts to melt outside, I feel more energized. I'm excited about the future and will try to remember to count my blessings.

Throwing snow with the neighbor

That was Strange

This past weekend I had to work a lot, you know Valentine's Day and all. Saturday started off just great, smooth sailing, great tables, and then just before close a group of kids (late teen early 20s) came in without parents and clearly didn't "get" the whole this-is-not-the-food-court -or-McDonald's thing.  About half of them looked at the prices and decided just to have drinks, with plenty of free refills of course. It was rough to say the very very least (and believe me I could go on and on) and I had to stay a couple hours later than I expected. I didn't get home until after 1 A.M. and I was completely wiped out and quite frustrated.

She always bums my quarters for this, but she's pretty good. 

The next afternoon I did some grocery shopping with my oldest. As we were almost done, we had to back track through the store to pick up something we had forgotten when an older lady with a thick accent of some sort stopped us.


"Can I ask you ladies something?" she said.

I nodded. I was expecting her to ask where something was located in the store or something like that.


"What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat? "

It took me a few seconds to process (through the thick accent) that she was telling us a joke.


"What?" I asked.


"A toilet seat only has to deal with one a**hole at a time."


She had no idea who we were, that I was a waitress, that I had just had a very crappy night, or anything. She just stopped and told this joke to two total strangers.


Weird, crude, but down right funny...and true.

WWJD?

Last night I was driving out of a fast food restaurant's parking lot after work (yes I work in a restaurant, but I needed something fast and cheap) and I saw a strange man walking toward the parking lot. I locked my door instinctively and started to pull out when he asked me to roll down my window.

I did (a little) and he proceeded to tell me some detailed story about a car wreck and a tow truck and cab fare to a city an hour and a half away and how he needed 80 or so dollars to get said cab fare and how he had collected some, but needed $16 more and could I help. Well, I did have a pretty decent night last night, but I sure wasn't feeling like handing out nearly 20 bucks, so I handed him a five and got the heck out of there. Something about the whole thing felt wrong, like I had been had. Maybe this guy was really in need though.

During the few minute drive home as I munched on my burger, I felt a little guilty. I had the money on me, what if he really was desperate? What if it were my husband or son out there? I think of how I would have handled this as a Christian. At one time, I'm sure I would have given him what he needed and more. After all, God is watching.



I got home and hubby asked me how my night was. I started to explain about the guy and he cut me off...


"Did he look like Michael Scott?"

"Yeah....a grey headed one."

"I gave him $5 last week, too."

"Where?"

"At CVS."

(which is right across the way from where I was)

He had told my husband a very similar story.


This guy LIED to me, he LIED to my husband and is and will be lying to lots of people playing on their sympathies until he hopefully gets caught. Maybe he's a drug addict, he did look pretty speeded up, but that doesn't make me feel any better. He took MY money, money I had just earned to try to help feed my six children. And at that I'm sure glad I didn't give him more.

New URL

I have blogger redirecting, but for any feedly readers or bookmarkers, please update this blog to this new url



http://aliceg95.blogspot.com/


Thank you!!

I Love Pictures

I love words.



I am having a hard time not writing and not writing exactly what is on my mind, but therein lies the problem. I told my husband at the start of the blog back in 2010 that it made me nervous for him to read it. He has respected my wishes and stayed away from it. During the whole spiritual journey series I did, I kind of felt like I was leading a double life. Although I did tell him I was doing it, I didn't invite him to read it. It seemed wrong somehow after the fact to have so much of our life out there that he had never read.



We talked about this Sunday night and I decided to start over. He is still totally cool with me having the blog as a place just for me, but I feel like something was just off.  I didn't and don't want to leave him out of that part of my life especially since he always shares the songs he writes with me.....always eventually:) Someday I would like him to read it and then maybe I'll feel more at ease with having it public again. Writing kept me from completely falling apart after realizing I didn't believe anymore. It was not hard to do either, it just came out.


Now that that is out of the way, I guess I'm back, to blogging anyway. That didn't take too long.

It's Just Food

The food runner came back from the kitchen and called to me as I was getting drinks for another table.

"Alice, table 88 says they had a __________."


Sudden horror washed over me, I completely forgot to put it in with their order. This was a long cook time order, too-not something that would be done in a matter of minutes.

I came to the manager who was taking care of getting trays ready and told him what I had done. He yells to the cooks,

"Guys I need a _________ flyin'."

"I'm so sorry, I screwed that up," I said.

"Hey, it's just food baby," he said.


It was one of the wisest things I've heard lately.

One employee there thought my name was Claire for some reason and called me that for the first day or so. It's now a running joke thing.  He saved this back for me to take home a few nights ago.

Sitting in Traffic

I have a pretty decent camera on my new phone, so I thought I would give it a try last night on the way to work.

A big huge church that my hubby tried out during church shopping days.

I boosted this one in Picasa.

I used the HDR effect for this shot.

Blog Business

I've added a few links to the sidebar that I have been visiting lately.  I have kept up a few of the blogs that I read in my former days as there are some who still are part of this discussion in some way. I appreciate the ones who can just be my bloggy friends even though I know they don't see things the way I do.  I am ready to live and let live. I'm not out to deconvert anyone and this isn't about defending the disbelief in God (Christianity). I just like to share my thoughts and hear those of others. The paths of those I have met through the years that have crossed mine have been so valuable to me.


I've also removed a few blogs. Some washed their hands of me long ago. Some pertain to things I'm no longer interested in. Some are not posting anymore. But I have never been the you-link-to-me-and-I'll-link-to-you type.



I was unfollowed recently, as happens from time to time. Usually it is not worth me trying to figure it out, but this time I just knew. I have lost readers, friends, people who used to have so much in common with me. In fact besides Christianity, the other common things are still there. But it is what it is. I've gained new friends, new readers and people who share this loss of faith thing. These are those who know what I've been through and one just plain cannot describe it to someone who won't hear it, and that's okay.


Like I said, it's not about convincing anyone, it's about sharing our journeys.

And now, a cute thing my kid did.

It's a Time Monster-It traps you in time.

Joining the World

Man, I know I've said this before, but this winter.....

 is just not stopping.  I feel like I'm in a bit of a limbo, lazy, foggy, uninspired.


I am way way way behind on the kids' checkups and shots. I was hugely afraid of vaccinations totally buying all the negative stuff the web had to say. Not that it was 100% wrong, I just don't know.  It was a huge struggle for me to know what to do. I wanted to do what was best for the kids, I still do, it's just now what I think is best has taken a 180. So the next several months will be filled with many appointments. We went to the first one yesterday and it could not have gone better. Fear is the worst most paralyzing thing, and I'm glad I don't have much of it anymore.




Why did I think the kids' didn't need medical intervention most of the time? Why did I have the last two at home? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of doctors and drugs the new world order and all that stuff. I was separate, "called out," special. Call me naive or just too rigid, but isn't that what a faith filled follower is supposed to do? God has promised answered prayer, and even if things had gone badly, that was His will, too, so I guess it really didn't matter. I was to trust Him in all things. I shudder at all the things that could have gone wrong. What other people would have seen as just plain carelessness and stupidity, I saw as surrender and obedience.



Once after we left the Catholic church, my son got pink eye. We prayed, and it seemed to have gone away...except it didn't. We claimed his healing, thanked God as a family, all that, but it still continued. I looked up into the cabinet and found a bottle of Tobramycin eye drops that he had used before and I heard the voice say "there is your answer." I told my husband and he was less than impressed, but excuses were made and we got our answer to prayer.




It's interesting how much differently I see people now. Once I was chosen, saved, not of this world and now I can just be part of it. I don't fear for people,worry about them being on the wrong "side", or pity their lost souls anymore. I can be a human unapologetically and let others do the same.

Personality and Old Souls

A new acquaintance and I were chatting and he mentioned that he had had a psychic reading recently and was told that he was an old soul.




I know what he means by this exactly because I've always seen myself as such, I don't know why. I don't particularly believe (or disbelieve)  in reincarnation or any of that, but I do find it very interesting. I'm sure we all have experienced the deja vu thing before. I've also mentioned that the first time I ever saw my husband, I felt like I had always known him....weird stuff like that.


Working out in the public now like I do, I see so many different types of people. There are those who are kind and generous and there are others who seem to be extraordinarily selfish- almost in an infantile way as if they don't know any better.

I wonder if the soul (if there is one) does go on and matures lifetime after lifetime. It's an interesting thought at least.


It also made me think back to the days when "fruit inspecting" mine or other's behavior based upon a profession of Christianity. The way it went was that one doesn't have any goodness of themselves it is all of God and once one is in God then He takes over the person's behavior and one sees outwardly the fruit of the Spirit. Problem is though, there are non Christians who display much better fruit than some believers and of course some "godly" folk are just downright awful. Jesus seemed to say that behavior was more important.

All this makes me truly thankful for the nice and wonderful people in my life and happy that they are the majority.