Around and Around

As a girl, I remember often longing to go home. It didn't make sense, I WAS home, but somehow I knew I wasn't. It startled me the first time I said it out loud (to myself). "I want to go home." It just came out of my mouth one day as a child.  Always having strange dreams and continuous instances of deja vu, I used to play games with myself, pretending that I was on the outside, or from the past or future, looking in on myself. It's as if I knew that "Alice" was not really me, just a character somehow. 

I have been many many places mentally and spiritually (so to speak), and when I don't despair and just flow with what's presented to me, it's as if I can just float along. I wish I had realized this in my youth, it sure would have saved me from much turmoil and heartache. But it is becoming clear that one must suffer torment in order to find peace. 

 I had to battle my demons/dark side/shadow self in order to progress. It seems that I certainly am a worthy adversary for myself.  I think that's why many of us succumb to vices and addictions. It draws that shadow one out and forces you to deal with her.  No pain, no gain. 

I have to laugh at myself (it is the best medicine) for now kind of being grateful for the way I crashed and burned over the last few years. I don't know that it could have been otherwise and I am thankful to still be alive. I guess I feel like I've "leveled up" or something. I have faced so much darkness inside me and looked her in the eyes. She's not evil, she's hurting. From what, we'll see,  but pain and fear are excellent catalysts for self destruction and we all have plenty of that. 

Nothing is random, nothing is wasted, but sometimes, we just don't know what is good for us and we give into that darkness as if it has any answers. But, we could not understand the implications or we would never tempt temptation. But we do. Somehow we have to. It is our lot in this universe to ask, seek, knock, give, take, lust, hate, love, forgive, betray, lie, steal, cheat, rejoice, grieve, experience transcendent pleasure and horrendous pain. We see people live and die and never really know what happens after our life is over.  We hope, we believe, we gather together in groups in order to console ourselves in regards to our awareness that we are mortal.

And that's why we're all so fucked up. We are aware that at any given second, we could be snatched out of existence by a number of terrible and not too terrible ways. Will we die in a car crash? Freak accident at work? Crazy stalker? War? Famine? Lost at sea? Horrible disease? Natural disaster aka Act of God? Peacefully at the end of a long life with all our loved ones around? We don't know and I guess that's what keeps us on our toes. Does anyone know? Is there a plan here?

What if there were nothing?

Around and around.

Acts of Mercy

This term came up quite a bit in Catholic literature back in the day.   I am starting to see a pattern of religion (or school or government or whatever) taking something and destroying the heart and soul of it.

Well, what must I do, I would ask myself and God and then search for instructions from the 

Church.


It's pretty easy, be a decent person.


Sheep and goats, walk the walk or get out.


So lately, as I've mentioned before, I'm finding that the things that I was supposed to be doing as a Christian, I do now, but the motives are much more...organic, real, from within.


I can even show mercy for those I don't particularly care for, or at least for those who have screwed me over time and again. I'm not saying this to announce my virtues or whatever one would like to call it, but to say what I think we've all always known, we have the power all along to be better people.

I think there is a part of all of  us that strives to be and do more, to transcend the ugliness and mundane of this world and try to bring joy or relief where it is needed even if it's only for this life and only for a moment.


And to have this without fear of everlasting punishment and without the promise of some otherworldly glory after this life is .......?



I don't know what. 

The Test?

I'm sure I can't be the first person, but I've been wondering lately if maybe...


Our inner voice, intuition, snuffed out by thou shall and thou shalt not becomes tired, exhausted, heartbroken. I know for me it did. Why was it that the Bible was so contradictory, barbaric, nonsensical in parts and in others sounded just like things that resonated with my soul? How does one pick and choose what God is really saying?



(I will not be posting scripture here because for every thing I present, the opposite can surely be presented. Anyone who knows the Bible, knows these things.)


I know it has taken me years to come to the conclusion that many liberal/progressive believers in the Judaeo-Christian God have come to and that it that you absolutely cannot take the Bible at face value. I tried. I tried because it took it so very very seriously. It took me not believing to see that it is not an instruction manual. It is the thoughts and writings of many people. It is not penned by the very hand of the Almighty. It very well may be a huge hindrance in the wrong hands. What we are individually comes from the inside.


Morality can not be dictated, I believe. It can be enforced, I suppose, but then again, one people's idea of morality and another's can be very different.  Do we stone the adulterer? Do we shun the heretic? Do we wipe out all of our enemies? OR

Do we turn the other cheek, show mercy rather than justice, give generously, break "the law" (either civil or religious) for the greater good?


What does your spirit say to you?




Unquestioning blind obedience, following the crowd, doing what your priest or pastor says is not where it is at for me. It never was, but I suppressed the inner voice time and time again for fear of retribution in this life and the next. You cannot love if you are full of fear. It does not work.


A week or so ago, I had a thought that maybe this is all a big test. God (I'm speaking hypothetically here since I do not know if such a thing is) would be very clever I would think. Those who would follow their heart, their humanity, their morality above what any book, sermon or organization teaches would be one who is unafraid of doing what it right no matter what anyone else says. Maybe that's why all the grey, the inconsistency, the confusion. One must look within, there is no where else to go.


And when one does that, nothing in the world can be more clear.



Maybe, God's test is to love no matter what. Not "speaking the truth in love", love, but actual love.  Those who have it without fear may be the sheep and those who follow the crowd for fear of punishment are the goats.