Why is it that lying just comes so naturally to little ones? Before, I saw it as clear and concrete evidence of the totally depravity that I believed was inherent in the human race. But if that is the case, why are most little kids so loving and compassionate when it comes to other things like animals, friends, siblings, parents.
Case in point: my five year old spent a couple of nights with her grandmother and her cousin who is two years her junior. The reason for this sleepover was that my sister was in the hospital having a baby. My mom told me how my daughter acted as a big sister to her cousin, helped her to the bathroom at night, and comforted her when she got homesick. It must have been very cute.
However, she's taking to lying lately.
We've had two occasions of it in the last month and both times the lying seemed to serve as a self-preservation mechanism. A broken doll and a broken razor were found, I knew darn well she was the offender and she denied it completely.
After telling her I knew she did it and asking her why she lied about it, she said she lied because she was scared. I sat her down and explained that lying was way worse than breaking something in terms of getting in trouble. I told her that she's allowed to make mistakes, but not allowed to lie and that big girls take responsibility for their actions. After the second talk I told her I expected this from now on.
Her big sister also told her that things can be replaced, but if you lie all the time no one will believe anything you say.
We'll see how it goes next time.
Case in point: my five year old spent a couple of nights with her grandmother and her cousin who is two years her junior. The reason for this sleepover was that my sister was in the hospital having a baby. My mom told me how my daughter acted as a big sister to her cousin, helped her to the bathroom at night, and comforted her when she got homesick. It must have been very cute.
However, she's taking to lying lately.
We've had two occasions of it in the last month and both times the lying seemed to serve as a self-preservation mechanism. A broken doll and a broken razor were found, I knew darn well she was the offender and she denied it completely.
After telling her I knew she did it and asking her why she lied about it, she said she lied because she was scared. I sat her down and explained that lying was way worse than breaking something in terms of getting in trouble. I told her that she's allowed to make mistakes, but not allowed to lie and that big girls take responsibility for their actions. After the second talk I told her I expected this from now on.
Her big sister also told her that things can be replaced, but if you lie all the time no one will believe anything you say.
We'll see how it goes next time.
I remember trying to teach these lessons to my (now adult) kids ... it was more difficult in my case where the parents were split up and generally had different values on lying. Like you, I feel to make a mistake is one thing but to lie and shirk responsibility is actually worse than the original mistake with more dire, long term consequences. The other parent, while still believing that lying was wrong, did not see it as the more detrimental behavior. Such conflict in the priority of the message had a (predictably) long term negative impact which although greatly reduced, is still an issue today. When the door is cracked even a little to allow "small" or "white" lies as acceptable on any level - it opens the door wide open to subjective reasoning and distorted logic as to what defines "small", "white" and/or "acceptable". I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how important is it for parents in ANY situation to project a united and consistent front (regardless if they actually agree) ... but for the benefit of other readers i mention this here
ReplyDeleteAll the best
Robt
Yes a united front is very important. In most matters, especially during the religious years, I would abide by the final judgement to my husband even if I didn't agree with it and then come to him privately to work it out if I thought he was being too harsh or unfair. We always felt one of the worst things was to undermine one another in front of the kids.
DeleteNot to say it never happened, but it is not a good thing.
"I saw it as clear and concrete evidence of the totally depravity that I believed was inherent in the human race. But if that is the case, why are most little kids so loving and compassionate when it comes to other things like animals, friends, siblings, parents." ~ Alice
ReplyDeleteGood observation, and it's pretty much all the evidence anyone needs in order to know that "Original Sin" is nonsensical, at best. This notion that we're "inherently" bad or "evil" and altogether incapable of doing anything "good" is a demonstrably false notion. But it's all part of the process of selling us on the idea that we can do no "good" without "God". Red flag, anyone?
What if the Garden duo had obeyed "God" and not eaten the forbidden fruit? Then what? "Heaven on earth", right? If that was the case, wouldn't logic say that the human race would then be the polar opposite of "inherently evil", which is "inherently good"? If we were inherently good, then we'd be incapable of "evil", and therefore not dependent on "God".
That should raise an eyebrow with any critically-thinking person.
More life lessons...and what a great mom your children have!
ReplyDeleteYour story brings to mind an incident when my son was around 4ish years old.
Grandma asked, "Josh, do you want to help me carry these suitcases out?" (They were small carry bags.)
Josh: "No." And he continued what he was doing.
My mom was infuriated. I let her know that she should not have asked him, "do you 'want to.'" Because, he didn't "want to"...so to him, he answered the question and went about his business. *chuckle*
Well she asked:)
DeleteAs humorous as that is, you'd be surprised (or maybe not) at how many adults ask similarly phrased questions ... I, for one, have no qualms answering the question based on how it is asked ... and no amount of "you know what i meant" pleadings will change my response until the question is phrased to get the response they are looking for -
Delete"Do you want to help do the dishes?" - "No, I do not"
"Will you help me do the dishes?" - "Absolutely"
No amount of special pleading will change how I "Feel" about doing dishes, and I absolutely reject - to the point of ridicule - any angry response to what I "want" and "don't want" to do. I find it very entertaining that someone has no choice but to be angry with themselves for asking "the wrong question" but I'm always surprised to the extent they will expend time and energy debating the point when clearly the more economical and less irritating course of action, is to simply rephrase the question.
My significant other has figured this out now ... and my work load/chore list around the house has doubled ... good for her ;)
I think my hubby would operate much the same way:)
DeleteI have discussed this with my kids several times.
ReplyDeleteI think lying is inevitable and we all do it.
Is it always wrong? I don't think so.
But are there better and worse ways to lie? I think so.
Similar to the big sister I explained,
"Be careful lying to those who care for you, and are your friends and allies. If you lose their trust, you have done yourself a great harm."
Very well said Sabio.
Delete