The Last Summer

Take me through the centuries to supersonic years 

Electrifying enemy is drowning in his tears 

All I have to give you is a love that never dies 

The symptom of the universe is written in your eyes 

Symptom of the Universe- Black Sabbath

After I asked the question I did a fair amount of research on the origins of the Bible, Judaism, Christianity, but I didn't want to get swept up into any propaganda or conspiracy theories. I had my own experience to draw upon and just wanted some outside factual views. I knew full well how easy it was to get swept up into this or that and I didn't want to go there again, but I was surprised at much of what I found out. I didn't know a lot of these things because I never looked at it objectively as someone who was on the outside. During all my years as a believer I just assumed the arguments made by skeptics were cooked up because they were rebellious at heart and didn't want God telling them what to do. That explanation made sense and kept me from ever really looking into any arguments against Christianity. But now, I could see why. I could finally understand why the skeptics were skeptical.  I knew the reasons all too well. Many of these skeptics were former believers who had been where I had been, some much more so.  I read many stories like mine. And I cried...a lot.





I was pretty sure I didn't believe it anymore. I couldn't. After all these years the one thing that meant the most to me was gone.



It's hard to describe the emotions that followed.

I felt detached from everything, like a shell just walking around.  I would stand at the edge of the field that is next to our house where I loved to watch the sunrise or look out the laundry room window where I liked to watch the sunset- the "thin places" in my world where I could see the glory of God. The places I uttered my silent confessions, adoration, petitions. The places where I felt the presence of God and wondered what it was I had been doing all this time. If God is not in charge (or at very least not the Christian God) then what? I felt empty, scared, at times I felt as if I had been deceived.


We had stopped going to church and never did end up at Mass.



My husband and I spent that summer just being. We created an outdoor area for hanging out, cooked out often, played cards with the older kids, had some drinks.  I felt like I had to tell him, really tell him that I was, well, that I didn't believe anymore...I didn't even know where to start. One night while we were finishing up supper, I just flat out told him that I was having a lot of doubts about Christianity.




I know

What about you?

Everyone's got their ideas.

I feel like I'm losing a part of myself.

I know.







Jesus told us to seek and we would find.  I honestly believed that if Christianity were really true that no amount of searching it out could do any harm. I considered myself a very dedicated Christian more than the average and very very serious about my faith. I didn't just accept whatever I was told, though, I struggled, studied, wanted to know the very mind and heart of God. It really was everything to me, and now it was going away.




One night right after we turned out the lights to go to sleep I just lost it. I knew that this was probably it for any vestiges of Christian belief that I had. I was ready to let it go.


I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried for about fifteen minutes just trying to get the tears out. I went back to bed exhausted and puffy eyed and zonked out.







I woke up in the morning angry.


Angry that I had spent almost 20 years of my life cowering in fear of God's judgement and not being able to enjoy them fully...
Angry that I had caused so many rifts in my marriage and in my family over religion...
Angry that I had invested so much time and my heart and soul and everything into the study of something that I discovered I just couldn't believe anymore...





 I spent the next few weeks just being angry.





As the anger started to turn more into depression I sat down and started writing.




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