I'm a Calvinist

In my lonely feeling

From my darkest dreams,

I go on through days

as I wonder,

Always changing

Forever dreaming

Am I the master of my soul?

In My Lonely Feeling- Journey

I wrote at near the beginning of this series how after leaving the Catholic church and staying out of any church for a time, we went and found one that suited our new right dividing ways. Before starting to attend, I had become interested and perhaps obsessed in all aspects of theology. My husband was more interested in the hows of salvation than I was, but he got me thinking. Being much more social online than ever before and loved the debating and information that I found on a couple of Christian forums.


I needed a way to get around the unsettling passages of the scriptures that seemed to indicate that not only could one lose their salvation, they could do things that would make it impossible to get back into God's good graces:

It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age  and who have fallen[a] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. Hebrews 6:4-6

No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God. I John 3:9

If you forgive anyone's sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven. John 20:23 (This is a Catholic church proof that we need the official absolution from a priest to be forgiven major sins)

If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give them life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that you should pray about that. 1 John 5:16

If I were to love and really love God out of love and not fear of going to hell, I needed to know that I was secure in His love. During my regular Bible reading, whenever these verses would show up, it would make me almost physically ill. My mind would race and scramble to come up with the way these things didn't say what it looked like they were saying. So it was off to check out some opinions online about it. One thing led to another and to another and before too long, Sovereign Grace theology stood out as the most reasonable way in my mind to deal with it. I'll never forget when I read and really read the passages in Romans 9. God loves whom he wants, preserves whom he wishes, and chose certain from before he created the earth. Yes! I couldn't be cast out. I definitely went through a major cage stage.

It all made so much sense now, it was all over the Bible. Of course one could easily make the case for free will. I either had to go one way and explain all the opposing verses away or embrace the "it's both" idea. I have no tolerance at all for non answers and paradoxes (which I do well understand was much my undoing in all this). For those of us who were of those chosen is was a beautiful and romantic thing, in a way. The dark side of Calvinism loomed not far from the forefront of my mind though. Those not chosen were born into this world, live sometimes dreadful lives, die, perhaps become believers for a time and then are let go of because they were never His to begin with. I decided to me that was more preferable than giving me the autonomous free will to screw it all up so I found varying ways of making it more comfortable.



One of these ways was to read and listen to Calvinistic sermons, talks, and blogs and podcasts. Confirmation bias kept me sane. One of my very very favorites was James White's The Dividing Line podcast. I loved the way he explained God's Sovereignty. Without His grace no one would ever be saved. God is holy, majestic, and you don't mess with Him or ask questions. Check it:

 Start at the 8 minute mark or so to get the point.....



WOW! That used to give me chills. What a wonderful God to have saved me. I followed many a Calvinistic blog and discussion. What I did find was that most of the conversations were focused on what depraved worms we were and  how gracious it was of God to step in and save us from burning in hell forever, which is what we all deserved. I knew I had done plenty of unmistakably sinful things, but I always wondered about unsaved people who hadn't. Was God really going to torment them forever because He didn't choose them?  I had to push it to the back burner, though and try to rejoice that he had chosen me. I knew it.  My husband I don't think ever bought into it totally, but he did believe in total depravity.




I tried to feel out at our church what the deal was on free will/ sovereign grace, but didn't want to rock the boat. I think after speaking with certain ones that there were those of Calvinist persuasion there, but it wasn't official. That was fine, though, I had my brothers and sisters online to chat with about the finer details of all of it. There it was, God was on the throne and there was nothing anyone could do about it. As much comfort as this sometimes gave me, the dark side of it started to overshadow my joy and the cognitive dissonance began to become more and more uncomfortable.


Here are a couple of  posts from back in those days:

Romans Study XVIII - Sovereignty 101

The Sovereignty of God




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