Christmas 2019

Since leaving my job back in July, I have been selling on Ebay, Facebook, Mercari, and other platforms. It's been going well...ish, but this year, there was not really any money for Christmas.

It was awesome.


I got all the kids a little something to open, spent 1/10 of what I have since I started working, and I think it was one of the best Christmases ever.

Ants in my eyes Johnson!

Rachel and her boyfriend came over for the day and all my kiddos were home, we just slept in, hung out, watched Ren and Stimpy and chilled. I made a crap ton of pizzas that are gone now (so much for leftovers) and then went to bed early with the hubs. It was perfect.

No pressure
No mess
No worry
No unwanted gifts
No expectations

They were all very cool with it.


I think Christmas (and by that I mean the stress and materialism)  can suck it:)

Going back to Rachel's apartment, so she could walk the new doggo.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I know I've been writing some pretty dark stuff lately.


It's more for me than you, dear readers, but you are welcome to read. I don't expect comments or such, just trying to get things out. Ya know?


Anyhoo....on a brighter note,

My son has been fascinated with films and filmmaking from day one. He used to sit and watch The Incredibles over and over and over and over again. He is interested in being behind the scenes. He and two of his co-op buds made this yesterday. I was super impressed (btw, he is 12, the main actor is 12, and the other actor is 9!)

https://youtu.be/41T0KsjRAbg

38th and Post

It was getting dark already, and I needed to get some gin, so being in the hurry that I was and most of my fucks gone at this point, I stopped in at this liquor store in one of the very ghettoiest areas in all of Indy.

I'd been in there a time or two, once when the restaurant had to close early due to the electricity going out late last summer, and unfortunately for me, so was the liquor store I usually would hit up on the way home.  On this day, I pull in -little old lady me. There were a few dudes hanging out in front, mostly asking for money or rides.

"You a nice looking young lady" as he held the door open for me.

I replied with a thank you and a smile, "Well, I'm certainly not young, though," I joked back.


It's a kinda scary place, unless you're used to it. All the liquor and cashiers behind bullet-proof glass, handwritten marker warning signs about IDs and weapons and the like. A very tall young man let me go in front of him, so I said thanks and looked behind the counter.

This is not the type of place where cheap ass gin is sold to middle aged white ladies regularly I would imagine.

The cashier was refreshingly polite and I got my stash and was on my way.

The complimentary doorman from before starts in with his spiel upon my exiting. I only had one dollar in cash, so I gave it to him.



It's just the way it is.

Dragged Down by the Stone

Dogs

Pink Floyd

You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need
You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street
You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed
And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight
You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking

And after a while, you can work on points for style
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake
A certain look in the eye and an easy smile
You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to
So that when they turn their backs on you,
You'll get the chance to put the knife in

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder
You know it's going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older
And in the end you'll pack up and fly down south
Hide your head in the sand,
Just another sad old man
All alone and dying of cancer

And when you loose control, you'll reap the harvest you have sown
And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone
And it's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around
So have a good drown, as you go down, all alone
Dragged down by the stone (stone, stone, stone, stone, stone)

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused
Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise
If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending
That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner
And everything's done under the sun
And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer

Who was born in a house full of pain
Who was trained not to spit in the fan
Who was told what to do by the man
Who was broken by trained personnel

Who was fitted with collar and chain
Who was given a pat on the back
Who was breaking away from the pack
Who was only a stranger at home

Who was ground down in the end
Who was found dead on the phone
Who was dragged down by the stone

The Ramblings of the Last Six Months

You let yourself be frozen by a doubt
You think I'm mean 'cause I call you out
You don't know what you're about
The worst part's almost over now
The worst part's almost over now, now, NOW
Elliott Smith- Almost Over


It was about noonish on a very hot summer day on the East Side of Indianapolis. I had about an hour to kill needed to eat (drink) something. I think about the bars on this side of town and peruse their menus like I am wont to do.

I choose a spot that I have been to a time or two. Being a vegetarian (aspiring vegan) the choices of food in this very urban area are few, but I see they have breadsticks and that's fine.

It's sustenance, not the liquid kind, so I decide to have lunch and a drink.

Or two.



The bartender is a young lady, very nice and professional. The Tanqueray on the rocks are scant, but I understand, being a bartender myself. It doesn't matter, I have plenty of my own at my disposal.

I just need to sit and be alone.


I need to think
I need to get my shit together
I need to figure out what's going on
What in the hell is wrong with me?



Maybe it's the job, the constant rat race, the stagnant life, the pressure of so many kids growing up so fast, the constant weight of regret, failure, exhaustion.


I sit and read my book and eat and drink and realizing I need to go, pay and wander out on that hazy, thick midwestern summer afternoon.



It all went downhill about a year ago, I suppose. Trying to pinpoint where is the goal.