I know what it's like to know that I know something. The experiences were unmistakable (at the time). And I now know what it's like to know that I didn't know anything at all.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do with all of this. Do I keep writing about it in order to make sense of it all to me and connect with others or do I just let it go and move on?
Something that intrigued me while researching all of it toward the end was the idea that Jesus never was a historical figure at all. Really, we have no way of knowing for sure and there is quite a lot of buzz about it in some theological circles in which I keep one foot in still. I watched a youtube yesterday that puts forth the very idea that there was no historical Jesus. While it is a bit conspiratorial in nature (no, it's not Zeitgeist), it was interesting nonetheless. I don't anymore just take what some "expert" says on this or that topic, and I really don't have time to do all the homework myself, but it seems like something that isn't going away.
They also mention that one of the biggest splits in the early church was that of the literalists (Jesus was an actual person) and gnostics. Toward the end of my Christianity, the more I read Paul's letters the more gnostic they sounded. In fact, I used to have many a heated discussion with a certain reader about Paul being a false apostle.
But at the end, the video speaks of the beauty of myth in our lives and how it has always been there and probably will continue to be. How even if the story of Jesus is just that, how it can give our lives more meaning and inspire us to crucify our lower natures and strive for noble, heroic, and selfless lives.
I can understand that.
As I now live without the god I've known, I enjoy inspiration in all kinds of places and strive to be that higher self even now. Something within us still hopes for more than this mortal vale, Maybe that's why the theme of dying and rising again has been so often repeated throughout the ages.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do with all of this. Do I keep writing about it in order to make sense of it all to me and connect with others or do I just let it go and move on?
Something that intrigued me while researching all of it toward the end was the idea that Jesus never was a historical figure at all. Really, we have no way of knowing for sure and there is quite a lot of buzz about it in some theological circles in which I keep one foot in still. I watched a youtube yesterday that puts forth the very idea that there was no historical Jesus. While it is a bit conspiratorial in nature (no, it's not Zeitgeist), it was interesting nonetheless. I don't anymore just take what some "expert" says on this or that topic, and I really don't have time to do all the homework myself, but it seems like something that isn't going away.
They also mention that one of the biggest splits in the early church was that of the literalists (Jesus was an actual person) and gnostics. Toward the end of my Christianity, the more I read Paul's letters the more gnostic they sounded. In fact, I used to have many a heated discussion with a certain reader about Paul being a false apostle.
But at the end, the video speaks of the beauty of myth in our lives and how it has always been there and probably will continue to be. How even if the story of Jesus is just that, how it can give our lives more meaning and inspire us to crucify our lower natures and strive for noble, heroic, and selfless lives.
I can understand that.
As I now live without the god I've known, I enjoy inspiration in all kinds of places and strive to be that higher self even now. Something within us still hopes for more than this mortal vale, Maybe that's why the theme of dying and rising again has been so often repeated throughout the ages.
Alice I thought you had stopped blogging!! And here you've been blogging this whole time. Did you start a new one? I am now following this one :)
ReplyDeleteI changed my blog address about a year ago. Thanks for finding me again.
DeleteKeep writing about it. Definitely.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said here Alice: "Do I keep writing about it in order to make sense of it all to me and connect with others or do I just let it go and move on?"
ReplyDeleteThere isn't a day/night go by that I don't ask myself the same questions. And I've been at this for about 12 years. :)
I know you both have been on again/off again writers Doug and Zoe and I'm glad you both are "on" right now:)
ReplyDeleteI know when I first had major doubts, the "okay we're going to see what the other side says" doubts, I followed and unfollowed Bruce's blog about half a dozen times. :P
Do keep writing! Like secularwings, I sometimes wonder to myself, "should I stop now?" because I did accomplish my main goal of putting my deconversion story into words. And I don't post often but the therapeutic value for me to write down my thoughts is still quite meaningful.
ReplyDeleteYour post about "myth" reminds me of a recurring train-of-thought of my own... I can remember for years feeling sure of my faith, and I felt sure that the Bible held absolute truth. But of course, there were those various moments over the years when disturbing realities smacked me in the head and gave me doubts. And I had to build my faith back up (motivated by fear and guilt to do so).
I'll soon celebrate my 1 year deconversion anniversary, and like many, I have continued to read, study, and ponder about our universe and on topics that touch on atheism. I feel far more confident in my worldview today than I did in my faith-worldview, but sometimes there's that nagging little voice that says "but you used to be quite confident in your faith! Could you be wrong again?" Have you ever felt that?
When my brain whispers that to me, I end up thinking through the many hard-studied topics I spent years going through - those scientific truths I've learned, and then I also remember the horrendous list of errors, contradictions and disturbing passages of the Bible that pushed me through the door. And I ask myself (again and again), why did I stay in the dark for so long?
And I ask myself (again and again), why did I stay in the dark for so long?
DeleteI've been thinking about that lately, too. It really does seem like another whole life, like my brain was taken over for such a long time. The sureness of faith colors everything around you.
I don't worry about being wrong again, since, like you, I didn't give up god easily. It was like death by a thousand cuts as they say. I NEVER thought that this would be the end result of my trying to get closer to God by searching it all out. If I did, I wonder if I would have ever started.
Yes, I think I would. As painful as it was at first, I really truly am happier now, but the years as a believer will always be a huge part of who I am.