The salvation of all shed light on a ever-darkening predestined world. One wee problem (and it wasn't really a problem at all) was that it meant that I was not special, predestined, chosen out in particular by God.
That idea was one of the things that attracted me to Calvinism. God had a plan for me, the rest of humanity, at least as far as the unsaved were concerned, were either by their own choice, or by God's just extras on the stage of the universe to which all was created for His glory. Thankfully, I was going to be part of the glorious consummation.
However, as I discovered that I wasn't special, it was bittersweet, but short-lived.
How would the rest be saved? I didn't know, but it didn't matter. They would be and the fear was gone. And that was superior by far to being foreordained for salvation. I could breathe again.
A couple of weeks ago, Bobby, a semi-regular came in for a beer. I have known him since I started working there, but this was my first time as his bartender. I found that in the 45 minutes he was there, he talked about Heaven, the Lord, his pastor, church, his pastor's new sermon series, how he hopes to bring others to salvation, an idea for an evangelical fiction story, and somehow more of his pastor. I was more or less listening as we wasn't really directing me, but more having a conversation with Don, another regular. I could totally relate to where he was coming from, though. The joy of the Lord is your strength and all. However, I also know the underlying fear that you won't hear that "well done good and faithful servant." Was is joy or fear driving his speech this night?
On the way home, my daughter and I were talking about it, as she was privy to some of the bar banter. Her conclusion was:
"Religion isn't based on faith, but on fear."
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and it has become apparent how many years I was just afraid. And I know why. I spent most of my time in a manageable state of terror to more or lesser degrees due to the very nature of the God I thought was real. It wasn't until I got rid of the fear (eternal conscious afterlife torment) due to the realization that "God is Love" was doublespeak if that God created, maintained and condoned such a fate, that the fear went away.
It's been strange these past couple of years navigating in a world with no celestial thought police, no worry about raising the kids to be believers, to demon hunt in every area of my life.
Right after losing faith, I was devastated, heartbroken, just demolished. I wished I had not been a believer at all, but I don't feel that way anymore. So much of it comes back now to show me what of that life was me and what was not. I can talk about it now without so much emotion. It was what it was and I feel grateful to have come out the other side. I was so much a part of me, but now I still have so much more to embrace. The black and whites are gone, life is more precious, I find myself more patient, more accepting, more human.
I'm not special, but yet we all are:)
That idea was one of the things that attracted me to Calvinism. God had a plan for me, the rest of humanity, at least as far as the unsaved were concerned, were either by their own choice, or by God's just extras on the stage of the universe to which all was created for His glory. Thankfully, I was going to be part of the glorious consummation.
However, as I discovered that I wasn't special, it was bittersweet, but short-lived.
How would the rest be saved? I didn't know, but it didn't matter. They would be and the fear was gone. And that was superior by far to being foreordained for salvation. I could breathe again.
A couple of weeks ago, Bobby, a semi-regular came in for a beer. I have known him since I started working there, but this was my first time as his bartender. I found that in the 45 minutes he was there, he talked about Heaven, the Lord, his pastor, church, his pastor's new sermon series, how he hopes to bring others to salvation, an idea for an evangelical fiction story, and somehow more of his pastor. I was more or less listening as we wasn't really directing me, but more having a conversation with Don, another regular. I could totally relate to where he was coming from, though. The joy of the Lord is your strength and all. However, I also know the underlying fear that you won't hear that "well done good and faithful servant." Was is joy or fear driving his speech this night?
On the way home, my daughter and I were talking about it, as she was privy to some of the bar banter. Her conclusion was:
"Religion isn't based on faith, but on fear."
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and it has become apparent how many years I was just afraid. And I know why. I spent most of my time in a manageable state of terror to more or lesser degrees due to the very nature of the God I thought was real. It wasn't until I got rid of the fear (eternal conscious afterlife torment) due to the realization that "God is Love" was doublespeak if that God created, maintained and condoned such a fate, that the fear went away.
It's been strange these past couple of years navigating in a world with no celestial thought police, no worry about raising the kids to be believers, to demon hunt in every area of my life.
Right after losing faith, I was devastated, heartbroken, just demolished. I wished I had not been a believer at all, but I don't feel that way anymore. So much of it comes back now to show me what of that life was me and what was not. I can talk about it now without so much emotion. It was what it was and I feel grateful to have come out the other side. I was so much a part of me, but now I still have so much more to embrace. The black and whites are gone, life is more precious, I find myself more patient, more accepting, more human.
I'm not special, but yet we all are:)
Hello Alice. Great post! One of the main reasons I quit religion so long ago was the fact that I too realized at an early age that it was fear based. I just could not imagine a God who would be so full of revenge that he would not only destroy his own creation but make them suffer for eternity. So full of wrath that this God seemed more like a sadist to me. In my life I have come to find out that when i learned to do away with fear of any kind that I was finally really living for the first time. The things we fear must manifest in some way I do believe. I am so happy you have found your "freedom" from the religious teachings of "fear". Hugs and much love to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteNot only is there the "end-time" fear, but there is a "daily" fear that one might perform some act or have some thought that is "from the devil."
ReplyDeleteAfter you are free, it's hard to imagine that people want to live like this.
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Delete"After you are free, it's hard to imagine that people want to live like this."
DeleteRight? On the other hand, no one asks to be indoctrinated(for those like me and others who were essentially handed the family belief-system). For me, it wasn't so much that I wanted to live like that as it was that I knew that if Christianity wasn't true, that meant that anything and everything would end up in the abyss of nothingness, which, at the time, was just too scary.
The abyss of nothingness has nothing on what God's gonna do to you. But I know what you mean boomSLANG:)
Delete"The abyss of nothingness has nothing on what God's gonna do to you."
DeleteYes, of course. But like most if not all believers, I was convinced that under the right conditions I could be spared of what God was going to do to some people. So, at the time, the thought of going to "hell" would've been way less worrisome than to think that no one's going any-damned-where when we die. In fact, it was that grim alternative that forced me to keep trying to make Christianity "work" somehow.
"But I know what you mean boomSLANG:)"
I know you'll be pleased to know that I know you knew what I meant :P
Yes it is Nan but there are lots of folks who do live in fear. So sad!
ReplyDelete"The black and whites are gone, life is more precious, I find myself more patient, more accepting, more human."
ReplyDeleteLove that Alice. My life got better when I embraced the gray. Our pastor often talks about being fully human. Love that.
Hello Bob, I hope all is well with you.
DeleteThanks Alice. Had an upper resp infection most of January. Doing better now.
DeleteGood, we've had a very mild winter here, it is nice.
Delete