I Guess I'd Better get back to It.

 Just start writing, for no reason as if no one will read it. Just do it for practice, for fun. This is the way you express yourself and it really does make you feel better. -me to me

Tonight at work a wave of sorrow hit me quite unexpectedly. I was gathering dishes to wash and since there's been a recent dust up and subsequent departure of one of the main guys,  (My favorite main guy. Everyone's favorite main guy.), things have not been the same. It's been a few weeks and we are settling into a new groove, but it will never be the same.  I absolutely hated the feeling, but decided to think it through, feel it, and move on. It worked for the most part, but I really sometimes wish I didn't get so attached to certain people. He's the kind of guy that draws people in because he just raises the vibes anywhere he is. Everyone misses him and the mood has been grim. 

But what can you do? I was thinking today that maybe I could get my vibes vibin' higher, it certainly couldn't hurt. 

I have been climbing out of a tremendously dark pit for the last few years. It's been slow, painful, and sometimes I slide back in a bit, but we keep going. Nothing is guaranteed, even the things you really really want to be. It has made me think about staying in each moment, because that is all that is real. 

I have been given grace by many and have had enough of hating myself, so I won't anymore. I will try, but I will have to completely change the way I operate and I need to kick some old habits and start some new ones. I have never been one to discipline myself very well. I want me to have fun. I don't like rules and lists and charts and all that. I'm a free spirit, see? 

Sometimes I wonder if I have something fundamentally wrong with me or if I'm just unmotivated and too lazy or depressed to do anything to motivate myself. If I don't feel it, I ain't doing it. That has not worked and I really don't know why I stopped caring, but I did. I just didn't care, about anything. 

Now I do, or at least I want to care. I can feel it coming back, so I am encouraged. It may be just as simple as just cracking down on myself. I'm working very hard on changing whatever it is that took me away. But I'm in there, I can tell, she's trying to come back. 

So as I cry tears I thought I was done crying, I guess I do feel a little bit better.

Writing Again

 https://untitiledasyet.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-pizza-store.html

A Glimpse of Home

 Before the unfortunate events of the last couple of years, we had finally found a wonderful co-op for the kids. A few like minded parents began a Sudbury model school at one of the member's beautiful home. It was exactly what I had been looking for for years. It was a mix of all ages and the kids did what they wanted to do. Some played outside all day, some played video games, some made short films and skits. There was sewing and jewelry making and cooking. They played soccer, did yoga or just played near the creek and explored the surrounding wooded areas. The moms (and sometimes dads) would take turns volunteering to be there to supervise, answer questions, lead activities, and of course, make sure no one was doing anything unsafe. I was able to meet women who were like minded in my educational and parenting philosophy. We met three days a week. It was perfect.

As the group started growing, the house became a little too small and the owners were having second thoughts about having their  home occupied with so many three days a week. So they found a space at a local Unitarian Universalist church. We spent nearly two weeks getting set up, redecorating our areas and filling the space with warmth and the supplies necessary to do whatever the kiddos came up with. It wasn't the same as the house, but still very much what we wanted. We opened the new location on March 10, 2020. 

Anyone remember what happened around March 2020? 

So, the co-op was closed indefinitely until we (and the rest of the world) tried to figure out what was going on. Due to the church's policies that our founders would not find acceptable, we had to shut it down. It was heartbreaking. We tried to keep in contact with some of the families and we even stayed on as a smaller group with one of the ladies, but at this point, all the kids that were still participating were very young children under 10. Mine were all older than that, and needed more "teenagery" things. It wasn't working out and I got tired of driving to every Indy Park in the damn city  for the meet-ups just to have the kids be "bored." So, like everyone else in the world, we were now isolated. 

 

I could tell this was taking a toll on their happiness and mental health (duh.) They mentioned wanting to go to public school, but 2020, yeah.  

As the time came for my fourth to take driver's ed last summerish, our normal school wasn't available for the in car instruction, so I made a choice to take a small drive outside of the city limits to a small town that I was familiar with. After a few lessons, Dan mentioned that he had been looking at the high school's website and wondered if they could go to school there. Long story short, they are now attending a county school outside of Naptown. I also found a job outside of the city (more on that later) and I feel like we're definitely closing one chapter and writing the next one.

I wasn't wild about the idea at first (and still), but after a rough couple of weeks in the beginning, they all seem to be enjoying it. My thirteen year old  seems much more happy and it has provided the structure that my sixteen year old thrives on. My fourteen year old is usually up for anything, so he's also doing well. 

Spending my time in this town has reawakened something in me. I grew up in a rural areas. The fields and farms and vast empty spaces that surround the town remind me of where I came from. It is so peaceful and serene.I feel like I can relax, breathe, try to find myself again. I have just spent a year and a half being in the heart of the city delivering. It is not peaceful and serene, quite the opposite. .If we could get out of here tomorrow, I think I would. I love my home. We've been here for 26 years, but they are building large warehouses all around us. I guess things change. I didn't want them to, but no one asked me. 

I feel like I don't belong here anymore, maybe I never did. 

Now I just need to find a way.

Meanwhile on the East Side

 Well well well,

What a year. I will not comment on any of my thoughts or opinions about this upside down crazy world right now, but I would like to just update what's been going on around here.

 The online selling thing didn't work and we were going downhill fast with the finances. Things got bad here, really bad. I got a job last April as a delivery driver for a newish company called gopuff. We deliver snack foods, frozen foods, household supplies, vape stuff, beer and soft drinks, adult toys, over the counter medications and such. As we were considered "essential" I was at least blessed to have a job through the middle of the lockdowns. It is a pretty good job and I really like it. 

 Rachel, Nick and Nick (my daughter, her boyfriend, and my son) moved into an apartment together and lived there for about a year. Due to the sucky property management they decided not to renew their lease. Rachel asked if she and her Nick could stay here for a few months so they could save some money up to rent/buy a house and our Nick also came back to live for awhile, so we are one big full house right now, but it's great. Rachel's Nick is a mechanic and with my heavy use of the car, he is a great help with the maintenance and has all kinds of connections to get me discounts, so that's nice. 

My mental health has been all over the place this past year and many days all I could do was sit in bed. It sucked, but I'm working on lot of ways to improve. The house had gotten quite dusty and dirty since housekeeping was on my IDGAF list for awhile, but I've been back to it and I feel so much better about myself.  Joe is working as a server at a steakhouse (no not THAT one) and I can't believe it's been over a year. He is much less stressed, but honestly I do miss that truck driver money. It really wasn't worth it though. 

I beat myself (and Joe) up pretty badly for the decisions that were made, but it is what it is. Making peace with that, a very recent development, has brought me a calm that is quite welcome. 

It's my day off and I plan to make beef stew for the fam, clean the house and get more things prepped for the yard sale I plan to have at the end of the month. I want all this reselling shiz out of the house so I can close the chapter on that time. It was not a good time, but I was pretty "drinky" then, so nothing was a good time. It's better now.

I'd like to get back to writing more, just for the fun of it. So maybe I'll add that to my new to do list. I've been trying to introduce new habits a month at a time and it is working to make me more productive and happy. 

So tell me what's going on in your world.

 

Hiatus

As a few of you know, I did start a new "story" kind of a more detailed version of the story and then more on what has happened since. However, in the light of current events, my attention, time, and priorities must be focused elsewhere. I also wonder if beating the drum of my problems is a good thing.

I will refrain from giving my opinion about the whole state of the world right now and just take this time to reflect and wonder.

What is real knowledge?

What the hell do we really know about anything?

How can we find peace within ourselves at this time?

Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?

What is the problem, what is the solution?

Should I just hit the bottle and go back to sleep? (jk)

Is the best yet to come?

What is happening?

Disinformation, propaganda, deception, and emotions run high for everyone, especially now. I refuse to give a knee-jerk reaction to all of this, I know how prone I am to jump on this or that bandwagon, I have been there so many times. It's time for me to learn from that, humble myself and just reflect.

Each and everyone of you have been so special and important to me on this journey. I hope against all hope that the future is bright for us all.

Truth, Love, Peace, Justice