Well, it's been awhile, yes?
I have many many scattered things to write. Many
I am still married, currently, but the divorce is in process.
I've moved with three of my children to a town just east of Indy.
I got fired for the first time in my life Tuesday.
I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to be doing a lot of posting on the private blog for the time being, if you're interested in any of my ramblings, please send me your email, and I'll invite you. If you don't wanna post it here, you can get me at fourninetenatyahoodotcom.
As a girl, I remember often longing to go home. It didn't make sense, I WAS home, but somehow I knew I wasn't. It startled me the first time I said it out loud (to myself). "I want to go home." It just came out of my mouth one day as a child. Always having strange dreams and continuous instances of deja vu, I used to play games with myself, pretending that I was on the outside, or from the past or future, looking in on myself. It's as if I knew that "Alice" was not really me, just a character somehow.
I have been many many places mentally and spiritually (so to speak), and when I don't despair and just flow with what's presented to me, it's as if I can just float along. I wish I had realized this in my youth, it sure would have saved me from much turmoil and heartache. But it is becoming clear that one must suffer torment in order to find peace.
I had to battle my demons/dark side/shadow self in order to progress. It seems that I certainly am a worthy adversary for myself. I think that's why many of us succumb to vices and addictions. It draws that shadow one out and forces you to deal with her. No pain, no gain.
I have to laugh at myself (it is the best medicine) for now kind of being grateful for the way I crashed and burned over the last few years. I don't know that it could have been otherwise and I am thankful to still be alive. I guess I feel like I've "leveled up" or something. I have faced so much darkness inside me and looked her in the eyes. She's not evil, she's hurting. From what, we'll see, but pain and fear are excellent catalysts for self destruction and we all have plenty of that.
Nothing is random, nothing is wasted, but sometimes, we just don't know what is good for us and we give into that darkness as if it has any answers. But, we could not understand the implications or we would never tempt temptation. But we do. Somehow we have to. It is our lot in this universe to ask, seek, knock, give, take, lust, hate, love, forgive, betray, lie, steal, cheat, rejoice, grieve, experience transcendent pleasure and horrendous pain. We see people live and die and never really know what happens after our life is over. We hope, we believe, we gather together in groups in order to console ourselves in regards to our awareness that we are mortal.
And that's why we're all so fucked up. We are aware that at any given second, we could be snatched out of existence by a number of terrible and not too terrible ways. Will we die in a car crash? Freak accident at work? Crazy stalker? War? Famine? Lost at sea? Horrible disease? Natural disaster aka Act of God? Peacefully at the end of a long life with all our loved ones around? We don't know and I guess that's what keeps us on our toes. Does anyone know? Is there a plan here?
What if there were nothing?
Around and around.
Just start writing, for no reason as if no one will read it. Just do it for practice, for fun. This is the way you express yourself and it really does make you feel better. -me to me
Tonight at work a wave of sorrow hit me quite unexpectedly. I was gathering dishes to wash and since there's been a recent dust up and subsequent departure of one of the main guys, (My favorite main guy. Everyone's favorite main guy.), things have not been the same. It's been a few weeks and we are settling into a new groove, but it will never be the same. I absolutely hated the feeling, but decided to think it through, feel it, and move on. It worked for the most part, but I really sometimes wish I didn't get so attached to certain people. He's the kind of guy that draws people in because he just raises the vibes anywhere he is. Everyone misses him and the mood has been grim.
But what can you do? I was thinking today that maybe I could get my vibes vibin' higher, it certainly couldn't hurt.
I have been climbing out of a tremendously dark pit for the last few years. It's been slow, painful, and sometimes I slide back in a bit, but we keep going. Nothing is guaranteed, even the things you really really want to be. It has made me think about staying in each moment, because that is all that is real.
I have been given grace by many and have had enough of hating myself, so I won't anymore. I will try, but I will have to completely change the way I operate and I need to kick some old habits and start some new ones. I have never been one to discipline myself very well. I want me to have fun. I don't like rules and lists and charts and all that. I'm a free spirit, see?
Sometimes I wonder if I have something fundamentally wrong with me or if I'm just unmotivated and too lazy or depressed to do anything to motivate myself. If I don't feel it, I ain't doing it. That has not worked and I really don't know why I stopped caring, but I did. I just didn't care, about anything.
Now I do, or at least I want to care. I can feel it coming back, so I am encouraged. It may be just as simple as just cracking down on myself. I'm working very hard on changing whatever it is that took me away. But I'm in there, I can tell, she's trying to come back.
So as I cry tears I thought I was done crying, I guess I do feel a little bit better.
