Hello, It's a me

 I'm going to be doing a lot of posting on the private blog for the time being, if you're interested in any of my ramblings, please send me your email, and I'll invite you. If you don't wanna post it here, you can get me at fourninetenatyahoodotcom.

Around and Around

As a girl, I remember often longing to go home. It didn't make sense, I WAS home, but somehow I knew I wasn't. It startled me the first time I said it out loud (to myself). "I want to go home." It just came out of my mouth one day as a child.  Always having strange dreams and continuous instances of deja vu, I used to play games with myself, pretending that I was on the outside, or from the past or future, looking in on myself. It's as if I knew that "Alice" was not really me, just a character somehow. 

I have been many many places mentally and spiritually (so to speak), and when I don't despair and just flow with what's presented to me, it's as if I can just float along. I wish I had realized this in my youth, it sure would have saved me from much turmoil and heartache. But it is becoming clear that one must suffer torment in order to find peace. 

 I had to battle my demons/dark side/shadow self in order to progress. It seems that I certainly am a worthy adversary for myself.  I think that's why many of us succumb to vices and addictions. It draws that shadow one out and forces you to deal with her.  No pain, no gain. 

I have to laugh at myself (it is the best medicine) for now kind of being grateful for the way I crashed and burned over the last few years. I don't know that it could have been otherwise and I am thankful to still be alive. I guess I feel like I've "leveled up" or something. I have faced so much darkness inside me and looked her in the eyes. She's not evil, she's hurting. From what, we'll see,  but pain and fear are excellent catalysts for self destruction and we all have plenty of that. 

Nothing is random, nothing is wasted, but sometimes, we just don't know what is good for us and we give into that darkness as if it has any answers. But, we could not understand the implications or we would never tempt temptation. But we do. Somehow we have to. It is our lot in this universe to ask, seek, knock, give, take, lust, hate, love, forgive, betray, lie, steal, cheat, rejoice, grieve, experience transcendent pleasure and horrendous pain. We see people live and die and never really know what happens after our life is over.  We hope, we believe, we gather together in groups in order to console ourselves in regards to our awareness that we are mortal.

And that's why we're all so fucked up. We are aware that at any given second, we could be snatched out of existence by a number of terrible and not too terrible ways. Will we die in a car crash? Freak accident at work? Crazy stalker? War? Famine? Lost at sea? Horrible disease? Natural disaster aka Act of God? Peacefully at the end of a long life with all our loved ones around? We don't know and I guess that's what keeps us on our toes. Does anyone know? Is there a plan here?

What if there were nothing?

Around and around.

I Guess I'd Better get back to It.

 Just start writing, for no reason as if no one will read it. Just do it for practice, for fun. This is the way you express yourself and it really does make you feel better. -me to me

Tonight at work a wave of sorrow hit me quite unexpectedly. I was gathering dishes to wash and since there's been a recent dust up and subsequent departure of one of the main guys,  (My favorite main guy. Everyone's favorite main guy.), things have not been the same. It's been a few weeks and we are settling into a new groove, but it will never be the same.  I absolutely hated the feeling, but decided to think it through, feel it, and move on. It worked for the most part, but I really sometimes wish I didn't get so attached to certain people. He's the kind of guy that draws people in because he just raises the vibes anywhere he is. Everyone misses him and the mood has been grim. 

But what can you do? I was thinking today that maybe I could get my vibes vibin' higher, it certainly couldn't hurt. 

I have been climbing out of a tremendously dark pit for the last few years. It's been slow, painful, and sometimes I slide back in a bit, but we keep going. Nothing is guaranteed, even the things you really really want to be. It has made me think about staying in each moment, because that is all that is real. 

I have been given grace by many and have had enough of hating myself, so I won't anymore. I will try, but I will have to completely change the way I operate and I need to kick some old habits and start some new ones. I have never been one to discipline myself very well. I want me to have fun. I don't like rules and lists and charts and all that. I'm a free spirit, see? 

Sometimes I wonder if I have something fundamentally wrong with me or if I'm just unmotivated and too lazy or depressed to do anything to motivate myself. If I don't feel it, I ain't doing it. That has not worked and I really don't know why I stopped caring, but I did. I just didn't care, about anything. 

Now I do, or at least I want to care. I can feel it coming back, so I am encouraged. It may be just as simple as just cracking down on myself. I'm working very hard on changing whatever it is that took me away. But I'm in there, I can tell, she's trying to come back. 

So as I cry tears I thought I was done crying, I guess I do feel a little bit better.

Writing Again

 https://untitiledasyet.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-pizza-store.html

A Glimpse of Home

 Before the unfortunate events of the last couple of years, we had finally found a wonderful co-op for the kids. A few like minded parents began a Sudbury model school at one of the member's beautiful home. It was exactly what I had been looking for for years. It was a mix of all ages and the kids did what they wanted to do. Some played outside all day, some played video games, some made short films and skits. There was sewing and jewelry making and cooking. They played soccer, did yoga or just played near the creek and explored the surrounding wooded areas. The moms (and sometimes dads) would take turns volunteering to be there to supervise, answer questions, lead activities, and of course, make sure no one was doing anything unsafe. I was able to meet women who were like minded in my educational and parenting philosophy. We met three days a week. It was perfect.

As the group started growing, the house became a little too small and the owners were having second thoughts about having their  home occupied with so many three days a week. So they found a space at a local Unitarian Universalist church. We spent nearly two weeks getting set up, redecorating our areas and filling the space with warmth and the supplies necessary to do whatever the kiddos came up with. It wasn't the same as the house, but still very much what we wanted. We opened the new location on March 10, 2020. 

Anyone remember what happened around March 2020? 

So, the co-op was closed indefinitely until we (and the rest of the world) tried to figure out what was going on. Due to the church's policies that our founders would not find acceptable, we had to shut it down. It was heartbreaking. We tried to keep in contact with some of the families and we even stayed on as a smaller group with one of the ladies, but at this point, all the kids that were still participating were very young children under 10. Mine were all older than that, and needed more "teenagery" things. It wasn't working out and I got tired of driving to every Indy Park in the damn city  for the meet-ups just to have the kids be "bored." So, like everyone else in the world, we were now isolated. 

 

I could tell this was taking a toll on their happiness and mental health (duh.) They mentioned wanting to go to public school, but 2020, yeah.  

As the time came for my fourth to take driver's ed last summerish, our normal school wasn't available for the in car instruction, so I made a choice to take a small drive outside of the city limits to a small town that I was familiar with. After a few lessons, Dan mentioned that he had been looking at the high school's website and wondered if they could go to school there. Long story short, they are now attending a county school outside of Naptown. I also found a job outside of the city (more on that later) and I feel like we're definitely closing one chapter and writing the next one.

I wasn't wild about the idea at first (and still), but after a rough couple of weeks in the beginning, they all seem to be enjoying it. My thirteen year old  seems much more happy and it has provided the structure that my sixteen year old thrives on. My fourteen year old is usually up for anything, so he's also doing well. 

Spending my time in this town has reawakened something in me. I grew up in a rural areas. The fields and farms and vast empty spaces that surround the town remind me of where I came from. It is so peaceful and serene.I feel like I can relax, breathe, try to find myself again. I have just spent a year and a half being in the heart of the city delivering. It is not peaceful and serene, quite the opposite. .If we could get out of here tomorrow, I think I would. I love my home. We've been here for 26 years, but they are building large warehouses all around us. I guess things change. I didn't want them to, but no one asked me. 

I feel like I don't belong here anymore, maybe I never did. 

Now I just need to find a way.