I'm Not Special 2

The salvation of all shed light on a ever-darkening predestined world. One wee problem (and it wasn't really a problem at all) was that it meant that I was not special, predestined, chosen out in particular by God.

That idea was one of the things that attracted me to Calvinism. God had a plan for me, the rest of humanity, at least as far as the unsaved were concerned, were either by their own choice, or by God's just extras on the stage of the universe to which all was created for His glory.  Thankfully, I was going to be part of the glorious consummation.


However, as I discovered that I wasn't special, it was bittersweet, but short-lived.


How would the rest be saved? I didn't know, but it didn't matter. They would be and the fear was gone. And that was superior by far to being foreordained for salvation. I could breathe again.



A couple of weeks ago, Bobby, a semi-regular came in for a beer.  I have known him since I started working there, but this was my first time as his bartender. I found that in the 45 minutes he was there, he talked about Heaven, the Lord, his pastor, church, his pastor's new sermon series, how he hopes to bring others to salvation, an idea for an evangelical fiction story, and somehow more of his pastor. I was more or less listening as we wasn't really directing me, but more having a conversation with Don, another regular. I could totally relate to where he was coming from, though. The joy of the Lord is your strength and all. However, I also know the underlying fear that you won't hear that "well done good and faithful servant." Was is joy or fear driving his speech this night?

On the way home, my daughter and I were talking about it, as she was privy to some of the bar banter. Her conclusion was:

"Religion isn't based on faith, but on fear."



I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and it has become apparent how many years I was just afraid.  And I know why. I spent most of my time in a manageable state of terror to more or lesser degrees due to the very nature of the God I thought was real. It wasn't until I got rid of the fear (eternal conscious afterlife torment) due to the realization that "God is Love" was doublespeak if that God created, maintained and condoned such a fate, that the fear went away.



It's been strange these past couple of years navigating in a world with no celestial thought police, no worry about raising the kids to be believers, to demon hunt in every area of my life.


Right after losing faith, I was devastated, heartbroken, just demolished. I wished I had not been a believer at all, but I don't feel that way anymore. So much of it comes back now to show me what of that life was me and what was not.  I can talk about it now without so much emotion. It was what it was and I feel grateful to have come out the other side. I was so much a part of me, but now I still have so much more to embrace. The black and whites are gone, life is more precious, I find myself more patient, more accepting, more human.


I'm not special, but yet we all are:)

God at Work

Three times God is mentioned last night.

"You must pray a lot Alice," our new waitress Janet says as I ring in an order.

"Why?"

"To be able to keep a good attitude here."

"Well, I just go to my happy place."

" Miss Alice, I need God," says Jimi as he's trying to separate a large parties' checks. 

"I'm so glad that party I took left me 10% tip on $350," Brenda says sarcastically. 

"But, God cares about you," chirps back Natalie with a twist of sarcasm.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask.

A shrug from Natalie

"You're going to hell, I say."

"I know."

Winter is Here

Officially.


It doesn't seem like it could be Christmas in a few days. The kiddos are getting spoiled this year because I can do it. I discussed with my now 17 year old (what?!) how I felt bad all those years when our Christmases seemed a little sparse and she said she didn't even notice. They were/are good kids. Plus, they didn't have to go to school and hear about all the expensive cool stuff the other kids got from "Santa". As I wrote before, I never wanted to do the Santa thing and I stand by that.



I have to close every night until Sunday, including Christmas Eve. I haven't wrapped a single thing and I suspect it will get done on Saturday night after work. Wine will definitely be involved.



I made very little money last night, actually getting stiffed by one lady after giving her excellent service. I really don't get people. Another couple, though who come in often and always tip appropriately, gave me an extra big tip last night, I assume for the holiday.



Gloria and Donna were arguing over whether to say to the guests "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays". Donna's take was that as a "woman of God" ...?  it was her duty to put the Christ in Christmas and all that. Gloria (a wonderful lady) opts for "Happy Holidays" as to not offend. While Donna's argument would most likely please Jehovah more, Gloria is a thousand times the "woman of God" in my opinion. I have gone with "Merry Christmas" and no one has called me out yet.




Merry Christmas to you readers, friends, and lurkers :)

Martin

I worked first weekend bar-tending shift with Roger Friday night. So far, I've only been by myself behind the bar, so Friday night is kind of the big time, requiring two of us.  I expected we'd be busy, but we have been inexplicably dead for the last week, this week being one of the worst I've had in a while.


Roger made the drinks for the most part, while I took care of the few guests at the rail. One man was very interesting. He orders a tall draft Bud light. There seemed to be a bit of a language barrier as he asked for the "steak dinner." Dude, we have like 7 different steaks of various sized and prices. He settled on the rib eye, well done with a side of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese. He ate the steak and the taters and left the mac (most people don't eat it, it gets too dry if it sits for more than a few minutes). He orders a couple more beers and then orders another rib eye with no sides. He eats most of that, I can tell he's going to be here for the night.


He was on his phone almost the entire time. He sees that Roger is putting his coat on and calls him over, I assume to give him a tip since his shift is over.  He then just keeps ordering beer after beer.  It gets to be closing time, and I serve him one more beer, but I'm thinking he's got to be pretty drunk by now. In fact, he is looking sleepy and slowing waaaay down on his last beer, so I hope I didn't over-serve him. Finally, he's ready to cash out and hands me 2 20's for a tip saying that I'm "a good person." I tell him to be careful and he motions that he is just across the street, probably at the hotel or in one of the sleeper trucks that get parked overnight in the nearby Lowe's parking lot. He staggers out the door, and I hope he's okay. I so did appreciate the $40, it was a very slow night.






At 12:30 pm the next day, I go back into work and Roger is bar-tending as he does every Saturday morning. I see Martin walk in the front door and enthusiastically waves at me. He sits down at the spot he was last night and as Roger is busy, I take his order, (same as the night before) even though I'm in the dining room this day.

Later, he stops me and says, "Roger says you were worried about me last night."

"I was"

"Why?"

"You had a lot to drink."

"Hey the first and last ones are the only ones that count."


He then tells me that he's a truck driver and was staying in his truck for the weekend which was literally only a few hundred feet away at the nearby parking lot. He's waiting to pick something up Monday morning. As we are the only restaurant on our drive that serves alcohol, I know he'll be here all day. I do feel relieved knowing that he won't be driving.


He later orders another steak again.


At about 5 p.m. I ask Roger how he is doing with Martin. Roger says,


"He's drunk as shit."


Martin leaves about 8:00 and tipped Roger $20. I guess he like me better :P

Gloom and Doom

He sat at the bar about an hour before close and asked what kind of white wines we had. I started to recite them and he asked to sample the Pinot Grigio. Giving a nod of approval, he ordered a 9 ounce pour and dinner. After a second glass, he started to get chatty(er) and commented on this and that, but the thing I noticed was the gloom and doom.



These young people don't know how the world is going to change. This world is not like the one I knew. Shakes head. Trump. Muslims. Hillary. and so on....



I do my busy work and listen as he seems to be not addressing me directly at this point and starts conversing with the other much younger man at the bar.


Gloom and Doom


And I think back to a time when I welcomed such with excitement. I can't help but imagine all the things that would be racing through my mind and news-feed if I were still looking up for Jesus to come back. I'm sure that there is quite a bit going on in the "watcher" groups right now. It's happeningnowrightbeforeoureyes!!! It was 10 years ago and 20 and 100 and 1000 and right up until I stopped watching and life goes on.




I have decided to be happy. I don't want to hear the Hell in a hand-basket stuff anymore. I do think that reality, and by that I mean one's perception of such, is in one's own mind. He sees the world as doomed, I see it as a nice place and I'm really for the most part enjoying my life.


He tipped very well.


The young guy- not so much.