Fade

Watching someone slowly fade away is not something that I had in my summer plans. Everything changed that day in July when Norm first went to the emergency room. Everything happened so fast, yet so slowly.


It has been day-by-day-minute-by-minute since then and he is still here in a physical sense, but he's not. His decision to go home and stop nutrition never set well with me, but I can understand why he made that decision.  We were assured that it would be quick, a few days to a couple of weeks. It's been 22 days now. This is not what he wanted. My mother is trying her best to keep him comfortable with the meds provided by hospice. There are things about this I never knew, like the restlessness the dying go through. When he is not asleep, he's trying to get out of bed in the semi-conscious state that he is in. He stopped communicating about 10 days ago or so. What is going on in his mind? Is he in pain? It's just so hard to see. This is not the way anyone should go.


He accepted death with dignity and it won't come.

Why is no one Praying for a Miracle?

An honest, refreshing "emperor has no clothes" question asked by Mom while we were still in the hospital. It is a Catholic hospital and one day while I was there, one of the chaplains came around and asked if we wanted to pray with her.


Sure, we all did, but afterwards the question was asked (after said chaplain left).


Why are we praying for wisdom for the doctors, comfort for the family, comfort for Norm. Why aren't we praying, take this all back? Why wasn't that even an option in the litany listed from the holy person's lips?


I have no axe to grind with the religion anymore, I just thought it brutally honest to hear this question asked by someone who does believe (Mom).




Later at work that week, a very nice couple who come in with this or that church group on a pretty regular basis on Sundays came in. They are always very kind and tip well. We've gotten to know each other on a friendly-professional basis over the last several months. Although they've never asked my "deal" about this or that, they always pray before they eat and whoever is their server gets asked for any prayer needs. The first time this happened, I was quite put off, but just let it happen. Now that I know they aren't going to try to convert me (at least I don't think so), I don't mind. Honestly, when they asked me this time, I said yes, yes I do have a request. I let them pray for Norm while I bowed my head, not really believing any of this particular formula, but knowing that sometimes the unexpected will happen. I really thought at the time he still had some hope.


Hope?

My sister and doctors don't seem to have any at all. Mom is still in shock mode, but is keeping it very together, but has accepted the prognosis.  Why can't I hope? Not in God, but in hope.



After the decision to come home the praying customers were back the next week and I told them. I wonder if they ever thought a miracle could happen.



So now we just wait. It's a horrible kind of wait.

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago yesterday, I was shopping at Meijer by myself for my 10 year old's birthday. It was raining hard. My cell phone rang and I wondered why Mom would be calling me at this time of day.


Her voice sounded grim, wanted me to know what was going on, Norm (my step-dad) had a stroke. They saw something on the CT scan they didn't like, would call me back when she knew more.



Later I drive to the ER of the bigger city hospital where they had transported him, by ambulance. Not a stroke, a tumor, maybe two. More scans to see if this had started somewhere else, no. Brain tumor-one-large and aggressive. More tests, inoperable.



Mom texts a few hours later, he had a seizure, loss of right side of body movement, much of his speech, swallowing. More tests, not a seizure, the tumor was bleeding. Started feeding tube and steroid treatments to hopefully improve symptoms, biopsy. Very rare brain tumor, very resistant to treatment.


Oncology gives treatment options, grim prognosis. The cancer will continue to grow and rob him of more of his body and mind, but we could maybe buy some time. The speech and movement and inability to eat on his own will not come back. Norm can communicate, but not verbally very well. First agrees to radiation and some form of chemo pill.


The next day gathers strength and some words to tell Mom and my half-brother that he wants to go home. No treatment.


He came home yesterday, exactly two weeks after this started. He has asked for the feeding tube to be removed. He says he's done. He's only 62. The hospice nurse says a week, maybe two.



Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, don't take anyone for granted.

Whatever

While closing up at work, I bring four buckets of ice to Justin the bartender.

"Thanks, Alice, you don't have to do that."

"No problem," I say, Justin always runs my drinks and is just a great guy.

I walk to the back to help out the kitchen closers and Sam(antha) yells,

"Alice, GO HOME! You do too much."

"NEVER!" I say, I like to make sure everyone is just about done before I leave.




I finally get ready to go and say my goodbyes and Justin says (as always),

"Who's walking you out?"

He's the only one who is ever worried about it, and will always stop what he's doing, walk clear around the bar and walk me out, and I don't want to be a bother.

"The Lord," I say and hear Roger (who knows my deal about that) cracking up across the bar.

Dan the manager who is off work that night walks me out and I can see the signs of a very bad day on his face.


"The Lord hasn't watched me for a long time," I tell him.


"Me neither," Dan replies, "You need to park closer, Alice."


"Whatever," I yell back.


It's dark on the East Side and I'm ready to go home, it's been a Hell of a couple of days. 

Five Facts

It's been a bit quiet here on the blog, (but certainly not in my head), it's just that everything has been so busy and me not even knowing what I want to post about anymore.

Bob has tagged me over at his blog, though, and I thought this would be a fun thing to do. I'm supposed to give five facts about myself, so:




1. Last week I celebrated 20 years of marriage with my husband. He really is my soulmate.

Painting the house / anniversary message:)

A photo posted by 11aliceg95 (@11aliceg95) on Jul 7, 2015 at 7:43am PDT

2. About three months ago, I stopped eating meat (beef, pork, chicken) except for fish a couple of times a week. I also cut out butter, milk, and cheese.  One would think that without the cheese, I would have lost weight, but no such luck. It's been fun trying new foods. I 've always wanted to go more veg, and I'm not planning to give it up any time soon.


3. I had a mammogram this summer (my first) which resulted in a second look and a biopsy. Everything turned out okay, but it was pretty upsetting.


4. We went to Illinois last week for my oldest daughter to meet some of her two online best friends. She had a great time, and so did we. I took the rest of the kids to a nearby water park and we just enjoyed being out of state for the day. It was really fun!

Splash Valley, Kanakakee, Illinois

A photo posted by 11aliceg95 (@11aliceg95) on Jun 30, 2015 at 8:26pm PDT

5. As much as I enjoyed staying home with the kids, I am very much enjoying being out there and working. The things I've been able to provide the kiddos with lately could not have happened without more income and it feels good to contribute.



Okay, that was more of an update than five facts, but that's what's going on.


I'm also supposed to tag other bloggers, so here are a few (in no particular order).


Michael at Mock Ramblings. He always has some fun insights, stories, and things to say.

boomSLANG at Boomslang's Lair. He never hesitates to say just what is on his mind:)

Joe at HeIsSailing. His Spiritual Journey series is a must read.

Zoe at Secular Wings. A wonderful writer and sharer of the inner turmoil that accompanies faith and the loss of it.

Doug at Doug's Dribblings. From believer to unbeliever to hopeful seeker, I think.

Lexje at The MM Express,  She writes about beliefs, mindsets, doubts, metaphysics.

Lori at On a Perfect Lazy Day. She's an ex-Christian as well, and writes about deconversion, life, family.

Carol at ~toss and ripple~. An ex The Way member, Carol is a great writer and thinker of thoughts;)

Ruth at Out From Under the Umbrella. She always has great posts and lively conversations in her comments section.

And a couple of ladies I know IRL. Sarah at Life, Oh My... and Gretchen at Extraordinary Ordinary Life. We used to go to church at the same place and are very intelligent, thoughtful ladies and wonderful wives and mothers. They don't blog much, but I wanted them to know I still read :)


So, if you want to give us 5 facts about yourself and play along, please do. If you don't do this kind of thing, don't feel obligated.


It just feels good to dust off the old keyboard;)